Stop blaming yourself for who they are!

If you could only acknowledge the fact that their hurtful behavior has nothing to do with you, you would stop beating and blaming yourself for who they are now and what they have done to you in the past.

You might be even tempted to think that what they are like with you now is a product of your own behavior and /or the reflection of your own self-worth.

No, no, and no.

Do you think the described below behaviors have something to do with YOU?? Do you feel responsible or like you are the one who ‘makes them do’ all of these things?


~ are distant most of the time or are 'not sure about the whole thing'
~ curse, yell, and call you names
~ cheat on you
~ explode in anger every time you disagree with them
~ say you are good for nothing and should feel lucky they are still with you
~ have an addiction of some sort
~ will not commit (oh so famous!)

I think you would agree with me that this list could go on forever, HOWEVER you should not be sitting and pining in the corner of you room FOREVER  blaming yourself for them being such a jerk. Or an addict. Or a narcissist.

Some of us may mistakenly think that the kind of a person we are currently with was someone or something else in the past, and the behavior they are currently exhibiting (towards us) simply did not exist, therefore we are the one to blame for what is happening. Back to the above examples:

~ when living with an addict - how many times have you blamed yourself for his addiction? ‘If he was fulfilled with me and our relationship he would not seek pleasure somewhere else. I must be a terrible girlfriend (or a wife). What can I do to make him stop?’ Newsflash: all your love in the world won’t make him stop. He has to do it on his own.

~ when dealing with an explosive person – how many times have you blamed yourself for not being careful in your choice of words? ‘If only I said this instead of that they wouldn’t be this angry. I do not want to make them mad. Next time I have to be careful with what I say’. Newsflash: welcome to the walking on eggshells club.

~  when in a relationship with a distant person – how many times have you felt like they are this way with you because of YOU? It is like YOU were the sole reason of them being this cold, uninvolved, unenthusiastic, and secretive towards you? This setup is especially dangerous to our self-worth and self-esteem because all their hurtful behavior is screaming ‘You are not good enough to love fully’ and ‘This is the only kind of love and attention you deserve’. Newsflash: this is absolutely not true, but many of us believe that it is.

Here is a very interesting exercise:

1. Create a list of all the terrible traits and habits of your current or former partner.

2. Put a check-mark next to those traits/habits that you think exist(ed) because of you.

You may strangely discover that NONE of those things are related to you. Not even remotely. You may discover that all of those nasty things (their moodiness, disloyalty, inability to share their day or to talk about what bothers them, workaholism, flip-flopping, inability to manage money, flakiness, being ambivalent about the relationship or your future together, etc.) represent who they actually are and what they are like with other people (and that includes you too!).

Some of you may still say ‘Ok', I get it. If this is the case, then perhaps there was someone else in their life who screwed them up. That someone else could be his ex or a bunch of worthless exes. I think I am better than them’.

When you think you are ‘better’, then you may have conscious or unconscious (unrealistic) expectations of them. You may think that since you are ‘different’ they may behave differently around you. You may think that if you do the right thing they will change… and, of course, if they do not  - you will BLAME YOURSELF for the failure.

It happens all the time, ladies. It happens because instead of focusing on reality, we focus on expectations and potential. When they fail to deliver we are too quick to blame ourselves. We feel responsible for their behavior especially when it gets worse.

We may even believe that it was us who screwed them up or pushed them over the edge. We mistakenly put an equal sign between what they do/feel and our own actions. We also think that it is our fault they did not become who we wanted them to become. We feel disappointed in them and believe it was all on us.

We DO NOT take into consideration the fact that since they are this way with us, they have probably been this way with many other people, which begs the question: did all of those people blame themselves too? Did all of those women think it was their fault? Did all of those women think they were unworthy, unattractive, and stupid? Maybe they thought they were, but we both know now that they were not. Just like you. 

We better be realistic about other people, who they are, what they are capable of, and our expectations of them. That way, when something goes wrong, we won’t end up blaming ourselves or feel disappointed.

P. S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service.

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