New Relationship anxiety - what is real and what is not
It is incredibly common to be in a new relationship and suffer from terrible anxiety, self-doubt, and a negative self-talk.
We get so excited with the possibility of New Love and something great (or terrible) happening, that instead of focusing on what is here and now we indulge in mental self-inflicted games and distorted fantasies.
We get busy dreaming and fantasizing, spend energy imagining what ‘could happen’ and what ‘might happen’, obsess over possibility of something bad happening should this new relationship continue, totally forgetting the fact what the dating is all about.
Dating is about discovery. The discovery that happens during real time spent with a real person. This discovery is based on true facts and true events.
We judge them too quickly, sometimes after only a simple 5 minute talk we think we know everything already (about them) to decide what to do next. ‘Oh gee, he looks like he could be a loser’, or ‘ I know the type, I think I am done’ or ‘He reminds me of xxx. Not going to work'. Or even worse ‘I feel like I have known him forever, I think I found The One’.
Rather than being here and now and forming an opinion of this person from scratch, we mentally pull our past experiences and current negative believes into play to form an opinion of the person and what our relationship with them ‘could be like’.
That’s not all. We then go ahead and elaborate that scenario firmly knowing ‘what to do’ and ‘what to say’ should they have done this or that.
As a result, we act too cautious with those who did nothing wrong to warrant such a response, we have little trust in those who did nothing wrong to violate it, and keep being on guard unjustifiably.
In essence, we feed our own Drama.
Drama and fears go hand in hand. ‘What if? – we think. That’s a lot of unjustifiable doom-and -gloom garbage to handle in the very beginning of a new relationship. Don’t you think??
New relationship anxiety and fears:
~ What if I open up and they dump me?
~ What if they cheat… like the rest of them?
~ I have trouble trusting men (then why are you dating?)
~ What if they disappear?
~ I feel so nervous and anxious. Is it because my intuition is trying to tell me something?
~ They gave me flowers. Seems so manipulative
~ They are too good for me. Once they get to know me better, they will be out of the door.
These are not the real facts pertaining to the new relationship. These are past experiences that have been transformed into current internal fears and believes!
Did they give you reason to worry? Did they do something terrible to scare you? No?
If so, then why such anxiety?
You are transferring your own fears onto an innocent person who did nothing wrong to deserve it!
I know you want an open and honest relationship, but being on guard, constantly feeling afraid and anxious in new relationships with new people makes you an Unavailable partner.
As they sense your unavailability, they may pick up on that vibe and do the same. The end result? Their guarded behavior will breed even more anxiety on your end and re-ignite the self-negative talk.
~ They seem like they are hiding something. I was right, men cannot be trusted
~ They won’t open up, why should I?
~ This whole thing seems fake
What can I say, ladies. This self-negative talk and Drama feeding has to stop. Instead we should base our anxiety levels on true facts. It is not fair making our new partners pay for what our previous partners did to us, don’t you think??
When times are tough and anxiety is unbearable, we may have to pause for a second and assess the situation for what it is. Are we anxious because of what has just happened or because we think what will/might happen? Are these feelings based on internal or external fears? Can we clearly see what is going on?
Sometimes, when we are just too much wrapped up in our self-inflicted Drama, we lose objectivity. It is better in this case to consult with a trusted friend.
Have you ever talked to your friend about your ‘major’ issue only to discover how unmoved they were? Have you ever been told that you blow up everything out of proportion and you need to calm down?
That's your clue. You could be the Drama Queen – your own the worst enemy.
I used to be like that too. It takes a great deal of self-awareness to stop this non-sense. The last straw for me was when I became a victim of this mentality myself.
I once dated a man who was sooo severly damaged by his previous relationship, that no amount of reassurance on my part could make him feel relaxed in my company.
He was too guarded and mistrustful. He was accusing me of bad things that I had not done (yet), but would surely do in the future. Building something new with him was next to impossible.
As far as I know, he is still alone. He did date some, but per his words, have not found anyone yet because all women are crazy. Hmmm… (Who is crazy, you know?)
When everything is new and nothing troubling has happened yet, while we think it is all getting too complicated ALREADY, the reality is such that we are the ones who make it all complicated. Most of the time it is all in our head.
It is not to say that we should ignore life lessons and keep going with something that does not seem right. It is the ability to distinguish between true reality and unfounded fears we are talking about.
We sure do need to bail out at first signs of BS, inconsistencies, disrespect and a bunch of other red flags, BUT we should not be our own worst enemy and keep killing our chances of something good happening when there is absolutely no true evidence of something murky going on.
It is true that new relationships, just like everything new and unknown, are scary. Too many unknowns does not feel comfortable.
We can handle these unknowns, however, provided we take one day at a time and one little baby step at a time. Do not be your own worst enemy. Be your own friend - silence that negative self-talk NOW!
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - Handling trust issues when dealing with deceptive online dating profiles and Dating a loser vs. dating a winner: the difference, or my popular e-Book Sassy Bitch Reference Guide - What To Do When He... top 100 questions answered!