How to spot Mr. Unavailable

You know, when we meet someone new, we want to believe they are a good person and if we treat them with integrity they will treat us the same in return.

As I like to say, we are NOT dating to feel miserable. We are dating to hopefully find The One and to eventually settle down. If, however, you are one of those who dates ‘just for fun’ then this article does not pertain to you.

The danger of Mr. Unavailables is such that they do not wear a neon sign flashing ‘Hello, I am Emotionally Unavailable’. They appear to be normal people who want to love and be loved, and who want to be in a relationship.

It is only after a gazillion of spent hours together, too many disappointing dates, and agonizing what it is that you have done wrong to make them ‘behave like this’ you finally realize that they are simply UNAVAILABLE.

It is not you, believe me. The sooner you come up with this realization the sooner you’ll see things for what they are. And no, there is no special ‘access code’ or ‘magic words’ to change their ways. You have no power over them and you cannot control what they do.

Does it make them a bad guy? After all, they have a bunch of good qualities (we all do!). Holding on to these qualities, fantasizing of what they would be like if ONLY they became available is a trap many women fall into.

They see the good and hope for the bad to disappear, they live in hopes for the things to eventually working out because ‘hey, he is not a bad guy after all’. But is he? Is he really worth holding on to?

Below are the signs of Mr. Unavailable, aka the man who is NOT worth holding on to. Do not linger waiting for these patterns to change. Simply tell yourself that you are not compatible and he is the wrong man for you.

1. There are pockets of time when he disappears and you have no idea where he is. He reappears back as suddenly without much of an explanation. His disappearance could be due to workaholism, addictions, involvement with another woman, and other issues, but the fact is that he is not available and it is OK with him. He is OK with something that is not normal in healthy relationships.

2. You have this constant gut feeling of being unsure of when you will see him next time. You have been dating for a while but you have this sense that you are not his priority and your dates run a chance of being canceled by some minor or ridiculously unimportant things. You move your schedule around him meanwhile he moves you around his schedule.

3. He won’t let you into his life and won’t integrate himself into yours. He won’t share his thoughts, feelings, goals, and inspirations with you. If you feel like he has been depriving you of basic emotional sharing, time together, and many other things that people in healthy relationships do then why stay in such a ‘relationship’?

You may think it is his personality or this is just the way he is, but in the end of the day what matters are your unmet needs and expectations. If he is this crippled emotionally then you will never be happy with him!

4. He pursues you like crazy… only to back off when you (finally) respond in kind. Consider his backing off a major red flag. To take it one step further - his backing off is the sign of his potential blowing hot and cold.

5. He blows hot and cold. Why? He does it to manage your expectations. He does not want you to have expectations. He gives you just enough to keep you hanging on. Read about crumbs diet here.

6. He is married. Now, it is not always obvious, especially in the beginning, but as your dating relationship progresses the signs will emerge. Mr. Unavailable = Mr. Married and Mr. Married = Mr. Unavailable. Married men exhibit many signs of Mr. Unavailable. Simply read this list and you will see what I mean.

7. He is still involved with his ex (not over her, still talking to her, is separated). The good and very reliable sign to watch for is his feedback. Does he still talk about her? Is he still angry about what she did to him… 3 years ago?

All you need to know here is that his heart is not with YOU. Do not play his arm chair counselor and do not stay with someone who is clearly in love with someone else. If you do, you will have no one to blame but yourself.

8. He is heavily relying on communication via text messaging and emails. It is a no brainer that if you were important to him he would rather hate those emails. If he was crazy about you he would feel desperate to communicate with you in person. Does that make sense?? When it comes to ‘being in love’ men and women are not that different.

Texting and emailing is only OK with those who do not want more. They appear to be satisfied with that level of communication which in itself shows their overall attitude towards the relationship – they do not want to commit fully.

9. He is uncertain about the status of your relationship. This one is biggie. You see, you are either his girlfriend or you are not. Waiting for ages on him to decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with YOU or not is very much not recommended. By trying to prove to HIM your worth you will turn into a doormat, a pleaser, and an emotional mess.

You are ENOUGH and there is no need to jump through hoops to prove it. He either wants to be your proud boyfriend or he doesn’t. His ‘not sure’ means he does not see you as his ‘the one’ (or close to that).

10. In conjunction with the above: he will not discuss the relationship and your attempts to do so will be met with an unfriendly demeanor. You have the right to know where you stand and there is nothing wrong with trying to clarify your status.

Unfortunately, when you feel like making such an inquiry it means you have been pissed (and terribly upset) for way too long. You want reassurance because you want to make sure that everything is OK and he finds you important. His hostility and annoyance over this should be your clue that you are treading on very sensitive territory.

He knows he is being a jerk, he knows he has been stringing you along, and he knows he wants his cake and eat it too BUT he wants you to be OK with it and he wants you to shut up. Flashing the light of truth into his eyes makes him VERY uncomfortable.

11. You think you are in a relationship but all you do is sleeping together. You have been downgraded to a booty call and therefore it would be correct to assume that your relationship has been downgraded too. Once you have been downgraded an upgrade is very unlikely.

12. He quietly crawls away after sleeping with you. Oh yeah, men say they need ‘space’, ‘to think through’ and ask us to be understanding. Ok, but why does it ALWAYS have to be the woman who ‘understands’ and patiently waits? Why not the other way around?

Distancing after intimacy produces nothing but hurt, feelings of rejection, sense of inadequacy, and a terrible sense of rejection. EVERYBODY knows this. And yet some people do it hoping for the other party ‘not to notice’.

If they do this to you then you do not want to be with them. They clearly have deep rooted issues to deal with and being on the receiving end of these issues is not healthy for you.

13. He has a long-distance girlfriend or in case he is your long-distance ‘boyfriend’ he does not make an effort to bring you closer. There are reasons he does it and unfortunately - no matter the reasons – none of them are good.

14. He is a one big walking excuse. As a matter of fact, you could create an endless list of his endless excuses. The list would go on and on, and it would be all about ‘why he cannot commit’ or ‘if only the timing were different’.

Do not fall into the trap of trying to solve his issues (which are supposedly interfering with your relationship). The minute you solve one issue a pile of others will come up. It is all endless, remember?

15. He will not commit to anything even if it is something small. He just won’t do it. Instead he will make a big drama of your asking to the point of you regretting doing the asking in the first place. So pathetic…

One major thing to understand about unavailable men that no matter the type of a relationship - it is always on their terms. They are having you on their terms and they will keep having you on those terms until you pull the plug.

To do so you need to realize that you are a human and you have your own basic needs. You do not need to apologize or feel bad about those needs, and you do not need to feel guilty leaving those who are unable to satisfy them. You need to have clear boundaries, standards, and you need to stick to your timelines. You have to take care of YOU and work on what you want. NO ONE will do it for you.

P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.