After the first date

Remember the time when you first met? And remember that feeling of wondering what they would be like and whether your idea of them would match the reality?

And then, of course, the nerves, the awkwardness, the pressure ‘to perform’ and to impress… I am not even talking about the insecurities during and after that first date and the negative self-talk.

I call these ‘dates zero’ because in essence, this is not a date, per se.

It is a meet up to see IF your fine tuned crapometer isn’t detecting anything weird; it is also to figure out whether you want to put them into your ‘maybe’ pile or to go out on a real date.

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The after-date time is nerve wracking and confusing as well: should you contact them first and let them know how it went for you? Would it look desperate and needy to initiate? Why are they not contacting you first? Have they ghosted you? Already? If not, then what is next?

Now, let us agree to this: “IF” you have these thoughts and anxieties it means that the date went OK for you and you would obviously want to see them again.

This is because no one cares if the date was blah. It is like another bus that just passed by. Remember what color it was? No? That’s because you did not care!

So many things can go wrong after that Date Zero.

If you have ever had to start a fire for real, then you know how vulnerable and unstable it is in the beginning. It has to be ‘babied’ for some time to get it up and running.

This concept applies to many areas in life by the way, not just dating and love.

And now, imagine the other person you met does nothing to keep the fire going: no or very little post-date communication, no feedback, no flirting, no mentioning of a second date etc.

How long do you think this little fire will last without supporting it? How long will your interest last without contribution from the other party?

I know many of you are dying about the next date and how soon it should happen.

I say, if you are both OK with it, it should happen as soon as possible. First, you want to keep the momentum going, second - you want to keep their interest, and third – to keep the fire.

Waiting for over 10 days to meet up again can be fatal to the budding romance. The human’s nature is such that it would be difficult to impossible to reignite the initial spark. The reason? Everything will feel different.

Just an extreme example of what I mean: imagine having a great date zero with someone. Imagine the feelings and the hopes… Imagine the potential and the future you thought you ‘could’ have… Imagine all that energy and excitement… Well, you get the idea…And then imagine them disappearing for many weeks after that… without a trace.

By disappearing on you they just have permanently destroyed something beautiful.

That teeny-tiny fragile sprout that just showed up above the ground was stepped on by a giant dirty foot. What’s left – you ask? Nothing.

The momentum is gone, the initial interest AND TRUST are gone, the fire is gone. Everything that was supposed to be there to start something beautiful is permanently gone.

How can you be happy seeing them again without wondering (in the back of your mind) who else they were with this whole time? How can you put your heart on the line for a person who disappears? What are the guarantees it won’t happen again? The truth is – there are no guarantees.

Who are you? A desperate fool to date disappearing-reappearing clowns? Dating someone like this would be awfully uncomfortable.

Imagine this:

~ The relationship has not started yet and they have already made you feel insecure (am I a neurotic nitpicker or what?)

~ The relationship has not started yet, and there is already a TRUST issue (are they still hooking up with their ex? Where have they been?)

~ The relationship has not started yet, and you are already wondering what is wrong with you giving them a ‘second chance’.

~ And of course, here is the big one: the relationship has not started yet, and you are already supposed to pretend to be OK with all that, not ask any questions, and act totally ‘cool’.

Yeah, right.

Many men never make a second date for this one single reason. Biologically women are wired differently. Keeping momentum going is everything. It is a part of a mating dance!

Are you a man who just had a date with a beautiful woman? If so, it is in your best interests to stay in touch and schedule the second date as soon as she is available to meet.

Are you a woman who just had a great date with a wonderful man? If so, please make sure to express your interest (guys do not understand hints, just say it as it is – short and sweet) and be receptive to his sms and offers for a second date.

Do not let any of this die. There will be no second chances. Once one of you screws up, it won’t be the same anymore. It will never be the same. Keep the beautiful and exciting momentum going. Do not let it die.

P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.