If He Comes Back, What Exactly Is Coming Back With Him?

When you wonder whether an ex will come back, your imagination tends to be wonderfully selective about his luggage.

You picture him coming back.

Him at the door, saying he misses you and looking slightly humbled by life without you, which is only fair. Maybe he has finally realized that losing you was a spectacularly poor idea and has spent all this time becoming thoughtful, affectionate and strangely good at communication.

Lovely.

What you rarely picture is what comes up the path behind him, because if the man returns, he may not be traveling alone.

Behind him comes everything that was already living in the relationship: the old arguments, the strange silences, the cancelled plans, the thing you discussed so many times it should probably have its own room.

You were so busy watching him come back that you failed to notice the misery dragging two enormous suitcases behind him.

Somehow, Only He Makes It Into the Fantasy

This is the particularly clever part of missing somebody.

Your mind can remember the relationship in astonishing detail right up until it begins imagining a reunion. Then suddenly the guest list becomes very exclusive.

He is allowed in.

The loneliness you felt while dating him and the way you never quite knew where you stood seem to have been left off the list entirely. That exhausting argument which kept returning every three weeks wearing a slightly different hat? Absolutely not invited.

In the fantasy, he comes back beautifully edited.

He has the same smile, the same voice and all the charming little things you miss, but the parts that made you miserable seem to have missed the train. Even the problem that actually ended the relationship has had the decency to disappear without leaving a forwarding address.

Which is convenient.

It is also why Will he come back? can become such an intoxicating question. The version returning in your imagination is not necessarily the man you lost. It is often the man you lost after all the difficult parts have somehow been left behind.

Of course you want that man back.

Who wouldn’t?

He sounds delightful.

Then the Suitcases Start Appearing

Now imagine he actually does come back.

The message arrives saying he misses you, he has been thinking, and he wants to see you, which is exactly the sort of sentence your heart has been waiting to receive.

For approximately eleven minutes, the universe appears to have corrected itself: your hair looks better, coffee tastes more sophisticated and somewhere, violins have begun playing without permission.

Then the luggage starts coming through the door.

Perhaps he still avoids difficult conversations, or you are once again wondering why making plans with someone who supposedly loves you feels like trying to catch a rare bird at exactly the right moment. Maybe the affection returns beautifully for two weeks and then begins wandering off again.

And there, standing quietly in the hallway, is the old problem.

Oh.

You remember him.

He brought a bag. And, for reasons nobody understands, a carry-on.

Of course people sometimes change, and sometimes a second chance really does turn out differently. But if something really is different, it usually has to be more convincing than a man reappearing with excellent timing and saying he has been thinking.

But “he came back” and “the relationship got better” are not the same thing, no matter how enthusiastically your heart tries to staple them together.

His return may answer the question you have been asking for weeks, but it does not magically unpack the rest of the luggage.

The Interesting Question Is Not Whether He Returns

Eventually, Will he come back? may stop being the most fascinating part.

Because perhaps he will. Men do come back. They send messages, reconsider things, miss you and occasionally remember your existence at 10:47 p.m. with enormous enthusiasm.

The more interesting question is what happens if he does.

Does the same relationship come back with him?

Do you get him along with the waiting, wondering, explaining and disappointment? Does the old argument stroll back in, put its coat on the sofa and behave as though it never left, or has something actually changed?

That is the part the fantasy tends to skip because it is much less romantic than imagining the knock at the door. And underneath all that wondering about whether he will return is another inconvenient truth: you can miss somebody terribly and still have been miserable with him.

Both things fit perfectly well inside the same heart, although they make extremely inconvenient roommates.

And maybe that is why the question can feel so different once you look at the whole little procession coming up the path.

There he is—the man you wanted back.

And behind him comes everything that was already living in the relationship, looking rather pleased to have been invited again.

And suddenly Will he be back? is not the only question in the room.

What else is coming with him?