Why men pull away from a relationship – what men say
Would you like to know why men pull away from relationships and what they are thinking during that time? Well, I just had a great conversation with a man who agreed to talk about it.
Just between us ladies: since men do not usually like talking about it, I took advantage of the situation and made a point to pull out as much information from him as I could. I figured it was a rare opportunity for me to solve the mystery many women are so anxious about.
Let’s us pull away that mystery curtain and see the truth for what it is!
Why men pull away from relationships
Me: So, Tom, how long have you been dating your girlfriend Lili?
Tom: Almost 3 years.
Me: Have you ever pulled away from Lili and if yes, what was the reason?
Tom: I do not usually do it and our relationship is pretty stable, but there are times when I am stressed out over other things in life. The last time I pulled away was because I could not handle it. I got a new job and got very busy. On top of that, I suppose due to stress and pressure to prove myself to my new boss, I just did not feel like myself at that time. It was one of those periods when I wanted to be left alone. Maintaining a relationship at that time felt like absolute overload. I had to put it on hold.
Me: Did you let Lili know what was happening with you?
Tom: Well, sort of. I told her that I was stressed out and not feeling well, and as soon as things got better I would be ‘back’.
Me: How did she take it?
Tom: That did not go over very well at all. Instead of leaving me alone she started texting and calling several times a day asking if I was OK and how I felt. She was checking out on me every day.
I took it as a disrespect of my wishes. Perhaps she was not mature enough to understand?
I told her one more time that there is no need to call multiple times and I would call her back when I felt better.
At that point I felt quite angry with her. All I wanted is to be left alone to deal with my issues.
Me: So, what happened next?
Tom: Of course she still did not leave me alone. She kept sending mushy text messages, sad faces, crying faces, and ‘I miss you’ images. She was acting like an abandoned child.
Her behavior had added to my ongoing stress. Her inability to understand my NEED for space reduced my attraction to her and that’s when I started to entertain the idea of breaking up.
Me: So, you felt like you wanted to break up?
At that time all I wanted was silence. Complete silence. If I were to ask her to shut up, how would that come across?? Of course I could not say that … but the polite ‘leave me alone’ did not work out either. In fact, it made matters worse.
I did not feel myself at that time and I did not want her to see me like this. Because of too much pressure I felt like I was falling apart or about to break down. I needed time alone to recover, but she would not let me. I was angry beyond belief!
Please note, I did not hate her for her, I hated her behavior.
Suddenly, instead of a girlfriend I had a stalker on my hands: someone who wouldn’t leave me alone, someone who kept constantly and persistently intruding and invading my personal space. I felt like I had to defend myself. We all have the right for personal space, don't we??
Me: So what did you do next?
Tom: I lied. I figured that the only way to get a break from this insanity was to disappear completely. Look, she could not even leave me alone for 24 hours!
I told her that I was flying to Europe on a business trip and due to time zone differences and other issues we would not be able to communicate. I told her that once I’m back I’ll contact her first.
Me: Did it work?
Tom: Hell yeah! Suddenly there was the Silence. No text messages, no calls and no emails. I felt free!
It was liberating. I could finally shift my focus onto my work, sort things out, regain mental balance and come to my senses. I really needed that alone time to process everything. Too bad she could not understand it.
Sometimes life happens, and when it does we may not always be available for our loved ones. It is just human nature. Don’t you sometimes want to be left alone?
Women, on the other hand, demand attention 24/7 and become insecure or freak out when it does not happen.
Me: So, during your alone time what were you thinking? Were you missing her?
Tom: The first couple of days I was busy fixing my stuff, but after that I switched to thinking about ‘us’. I was pondering whether I should break up with her completely. I felt disappointed and my attraction level was very low. I was turned off by her neediness.
I had a perfect setup. All I had to do was never to contact her again. Over the time she would get the message, you know. That’s what we guys do. We call it “letting someone down easily”
I did not want to make a rush decision though and figured I would give myself time to see how I feel.
After about one week of not hearing from her I started missing her.
It was a strange feeling. Why would one want to run away from someone one day only to miss them the next? Paradoxical, isn’t it??
Me: Do you love Lili?
Tom: Of course!
So, the good memories started pouring in about all the good things we did together, how good she was to me and how great it was to have her in my life. It felt empty without her. I was missing her terribly.
Besides, I was worried that she would forget me. I know it does not make any sense, but who knows? I was worried that she might meet someone new.
So, after about one week of ‘me’ time I felt like I was ready. I felt like I was myself again and could go back to our relationship.
Me: And, how did it go?
Tom: I contacted her 2 weeks later and of course she was happy I was ‘back from Europe’.
I felt terrible lying though…
Me: Do you feel guilty, remorseful, or something else?
Tom: I feel bad for manipulating the whole situation like this, but when it comes to getting personal space we humans crave, nothing can beat it. If I need my space I will do all I can to get it.
Personal space is a basic human need. How come women do not get it? They take my distancing very personally, get offended, cry, complain, get suspicious, etc. It only complicates everything unnecessarily.
Besides, I am an introvert. I need some ‘me’ time to recharge. If I want to be alone, it does not mean I do not love you. Absolutely not.
Me: Women around the globe read this website. What advice would you give them?
Tom: When a guy wants to be alone (that’s when he pulls away), leave him alone. Do not ask what is wrong and do not try to be helpful. Doing so only prolongs the whole thing.
In my case, if only Lili had left me alone immediately, I would have rebounded much quicker and we would have been back together much sooner.
Instead, her pestering made things worse for the both of us and our separation lasted much longer than it should have.
It makes absolute sense to leave a guy alone. He will miss you – guaranteed! Being mature about it will enhance his love and respect for you. This is what you want your man to feel for you.
Me: What if he does not come back? What should a woman do?
Tom: As I have mentioned earlier, some men use weird excuses to leave a relationship for good.
Why we do this?
We are scared of your emotions. We would rather disappear than have a talk. We do not want to see you cry. We disappear and hope you will get the message.
Most women - eventually - do get the message. Some do not however, and this is when things become complicated. Pushed against the wall we are asked difficult questions and a million ‘Why-s’.
When you push me, I‘ll tell you the truth. The question is – do you want to hear it? Isn’t the writing on the wall already? ...or should I spell it out?
When you do not hear from him after a while – forget him. He is not your man. A man in love eventually comes back. That’s all you need to know.
Me: Thank you Tom for your time and I hope many women found this conversation very helpful.
Tom: It was my pleasure.
So, ladies, what do you think?
Because of too much spam being posted I have my “comments” section disabled. You can still send your message or questions to beluckyinlove (at) beluckyinlove (dot) net and, with your permission, I’ll publish them here.
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