Why Men Pull Away From Relationships — What One Man Had to Say

The way men pull away has inspired an astonishing amount of female detective work.

One minute everything seems perfectly normal. The next, his messages become shorter, his enthusiasm wanders off into the sunset, and you are staring at your phone wondering whether something went wrong, another woman appeared, or Sir has quietly disappeared into his own little world without leaving directions.

So when a man agreed to tell me what was going through his head during one of these disappearances, naturally I asked questions.

Quite a few questions.

His name here is Tom. He had been with his girlfriend, Lili, for almost three years when stress at a new job sent him retreating into himself.

This is one man's account, of course, not an official statement issued on behalf of all men everywhere.

Still, it gets interesting.

He Wanted Space. She Wanted to Know What Was Wrong.

Alexandra: Have you ever pulled away from Lili?

Tom: Yes, although our relationship was pretty stable. The last time it happened was when I started a new job. I was under a lot of pressure, very busy, and I didn't feel like myself.

I reached a point where maintaining the relationship felt like one more thing I couldn't handle. I wanted to be left alone for a while.

Alexandra: Did you tell her that?

Tom: I tried. I told her I was stressed, wasn't feeling like myself, and would be “back” when things settled down.

Alexandra: How did she react?

Tom: Not well. She started calling and texting several times a day asking whether I was okay.

At first, I knew she was worried about me, but after a while I felt like she wasn't listening to what I had asked for. I told her again that I needed space and that I would contact her when I felt better.

She kept messaging—sad faces, “I miss you,” checking on me constantly.

It added to the stress.

I started getting angry.

Alexandra: Angry enough to think about ending the relationship?

Tom: Yes.

I didn't hate her. I hated what was happening.

I felt like I had asked for one thing—silence—and couldn't get it.

At the time, I really didn't want her to see me when I felt like I was falling apart. I wanted to sort myself out privately.

Then Tom Needs Europe

Alexandra: So far, nothing especially mysterious. One person retreats under stress; the other senses the retreat and moves closer. She is coming through the front door with concern just as he is quietly climbing out the back window.

Unfortunately, they are now walking in opposite directions while both remain completely convinced they are helping.

Then Tom decides ordinary measures are no longer sufficient.

Sir requires Europe.

Well.

Not technically.

So, Tom, what did you do?

Tom: I lied.

I told her I was flying to Europe for a work trip and that because of the time difference and everything else, we probably wouldn't be able to communicate much. I told her I would contact her first when I got back.

Alexandra: You invented an international trip to get some peace?

Tom: Basically.

Alexandra: Did it work?

Tom: Completely.

Suddenly, there were no texts, no calls, no emails. I felt free.

For the first few days, I focused on my job and tried to get myself back together. I really needed that time alone.

And then, once I started feeling normal again, I began thinking about Lili.

Alexandra: This is where the story becomes particularly enjoyable.

The gentleman has gone to considerable trouble to make himself unavailable. He has crossed an imaginary ocean. He has created a time difference. Europe has been brought into the matter.

And now, having finally achieved the silence he wanted, he begins missing the woman who is no longer contacting him.

Tom, were you thinking about breaking up with her during that time?

Tom: At first, yes.

I was still annoyed about everything that had happened. I even thought I could simply never contact her again and eventually she would understand.

But I didn't want to make that decision while I was angry.

After about a week, I started missing her. I remembered the good parts of our relationship, how good she had been to me, and how much I had enjoyed having her in my life.

Then I started worrying she might forget about me.

Alexandra: After one week?

Tom: I know it sounds ridiculous.

I even wondered whether she might meet somebody else.

Alexandra: Naturally.

Madam finally stops calling and Sir, who recently required an entire continent between them, would now like to know what she is doing.

The Silence Meant Something Different to Him

Alexandra: So you still loved her?

Tom: Of course.

Once the pressure was gone, I could miss her again.

After about a week, I felt like myself. I contacted her roughly two weeks later, and of course she thought I had just returned from Europe.

I felt terrible about lying.

Alexandra: Do you regret it?

Tom: I regret manipulating the situation. But I also know how much I sometimes need time alone. I'm an introvert. When I am overloaded, I need space to recover.

Wanting to be alone doesn't mean I don't love the person I'm with.

Alexandra: That is probably the most useful part of Tom's story.

His withdrawal felt enormous to Lili because she was experiencing it from the outside.

Inside his head, however, he wasn't necessarily making a grand statement about their relationship. He was overwhelmed and trying to quiet everything around him.

Of course, Tom now gets rather confident and begins speaking for men generally. We shall allow him a moment.

Tom, what would you tell a woman whose partner suddenly asks for space?

Tom: If he clearly tells you he needs some time alone, give it to him.

In my case, the more Lili contacted me, the more I wanted to get away. Once she stopped, I had room to calm down—and then I started missing her.

Alexandra: And what if he doesn't come back?

Tom: That's different.

Some men pull away because they genuinely need space. Others pull away because they are trying to leave without having the difficult conversation.

Men sometimes avoid those conversations because we don't want to face the tears, the questions, or the fact that we're hurting someone directly.

If a man disappears and stays gone, eventually that tells you something too.

Alexandra: That distinction matters far more than any grand theory about what “men” do.

Tom pulled away and returned.

Another man may pull away because he is already halfway out of the relationship.

From a woman's perspective, both situations can initially look remarkably similar.

That is perhaps why these disappearances create so much confusion in the first place.

Tom needed silence, invented Europe, briefly considered ending a three-year relationship, began missing Lili once she finally stopped contacting him, worried she might replace him, and then returned feeling considerably more affectionate.

A complicated route.

But at least Europe was lovely.