Patterns - doing the same leads to more of the same

Patterns are not always obvious to those who follow them. Patterns can be good and bad, meaning that positive patterns bring positive results and negative ones bring sorrow. No matter the pattern, the end result is always the same, or should we say – predictable?

Being stuck in a pattern is like being placed into an enclosed space. That special space has no doors to walk out and no windows to take a peek. I will tell you more: the doors and windows are not necessary because they are never used.


Because breaking a pattern means getting out of a comfort zone. Only the most brave, self-conscious, and motivated of us are capable of it. The rest of the population? Meh…

Why talk about patterns? Because that’s what rules our dating behavior, relationship outcomes, and ability to deal with breakups.

For example, are you sick and tired of commitment phobic men? For some strange reason they seem to ALL be attracted to you. It is the other women who get proposals, weddings of their dreams, and loving husbands. Why them and not you?

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I have personally known a woman who dated these guys: Guy one –  6 years, guy two – 7 years, guy three – 5 years. That’s a total of 18 years!! She spent 18 years on men who never wanted to marry HER. Those men are married now… to other women. She is still single and is dating yet another commitment phobic man. It has been 4 years and things seem to be heading in the same direction – towards Dumpsville.

Since she is stuck in an enclosed space, she is forced to take the same paths, to hit the same corners, to stare at the same oh so familiar walls, and to run around in circles. Time and time again. For years.

‘Hey’ – you scream - ‘get out of your box! There is a whole world out there!’

Will she hear you? Will she listen or even believe that there is something better, Something Different?  

I do not think so.

Why again?

Because, she does not think that something is wrong.

Here are more examples of behavioral and emotional patterns some of us girls could be stuck in

~ constantly worrying that something bad might happen
~ putting up with a bunch of BS
~ believing you are not good enough
~ getting back together with multiple exes - "maybe I should text my ex"
~ being suspicious and mistrusting for no reason - "they are all cheaters!"
~ being a doormat or suffering from a 'people pleasing' syndrome


Are you in one of those spaces by any chance? If so, head to that door and walk out! It really takes courage and ability to self-reflect and to admit to what is actually going on. I once saw my own pattern. It was a very strange feeling. On one hand - I felt liberated, and on the other - sorry for myself and time wasted. Suddenly many ‘why-s’ were answered and many things had finally made sense.

Breaking a pattern IS POSSIBLE.

What worked for me was 1) the realization of what was going on and 2) making a conscious effort NOT to follow my old thinking, believes, and behaviors.

Here is my story:

I used to be attracted to distant men. Oh boy, were they mysterious! So mysterious, I could not resist any weirdo exhibiting these traits. In fact, my entire selection process was based on this criteria, the criteria that fed the destructive pattern. Not distant enough? Not mysterious enough? Not my type! It is when I wanted to get closer (and they did not) that whole hell broke loose. I was miserable! Turns out I was picking men who were not capable of closeness. Duhh, I had no idea at that time.

As soon as I realized it (step 1 above) I made a conscious effort to be open to other types of men (step2). At first it felt very weird. It was difficult to feel attraction towards ‘not my type’. It did take some time to adjust, but in the end the reward was huge!

For the very first time in my life I was able to talk and share my thoughts with a man, to get close without him running away, to discuss my daily routine without him getting bored, to express opinions without walking on eggshells, and to feel confident in him, myself, AND our relationship. It is a great feeling, ladies! I just wish I had done it earlier.

I know now what true relationships are like. There will never be turning back.

Am I still attracted to distant men? Funny, but no. I see them as damaged individuals who need help. I also see them as being dangerous. I would not want to fall in love with a distant man. Relationships with such men are full of pain and - pardon my French - BS. These men are NOT MY TYPE anymore.

In some ways, breaking an old pattern means forming a new one. How about this  -

Since it is a new space, everything will feel different. We do not just adjust to something new right away. It takes time! Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to get used to doing things differently. YOU decide what needs to be different and to what degree. Talk to trusted friends and family, if needed. A second opinion is always beneficial.

Old patterns happen on an unconscious level and new ones take conscious effort to form. It does feel like work, I agree, but think of the end result. The end result will and should be different. It will be much better! What can I say, YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF, GIRL!

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