How to tell someone you are not interested without making it difficult or awkward (with script included)
I remember in my past, when I was dating, how difficult and awkward it felt to say ‘yes’ to a second date even though I was not really that interested. Why did I do that? Because I did not know how to say ‘No’ looking directly into their eyes or simply put - I was afraid to hurt their feelings.
When someone goes out of their way to give you a good time, maybe giving you some cute present, and treats you to a delicious meal, how in the world are you supposed to say ‘Nah, not going to work’ right after that? How can you look them in the eye and reject them right there, on the spot?
I did not feel comfortable doing it because I did not want to be ‘responsible’ for a possible emotional breakdown of the rejected party. Think of a hurt ego, emotional pain, loss of self-worth, and self-esteem issues for example.
They would certainly take it personally, wouldn’t they? They would certainly dwell on what they did wrong and why they got rejected. Perhaps my rejection would trigger depression on their end or even worse – uncontrollable anger?
I would probably go out on 2 or 3 more dates until it felt like I could not take it anymore. I was totally devastated, aggravated, and angry at myself.
‘They are so nice to me’ – I thought – ‘How can I reject them? What if I like them later? What if they are my The One and I do not see it yet? How can I tell them that I am suddenly not interested after pretending like I was? Will they be OK hearing it? What if they are not good with being rejected? What if they have emotional problems?’ And in case they were not so nice: ‘Am I putting myself in danger by saying No? Will they stalk me? Will they damage my property?’
I figured that the easiest and safest way for me at that time was to simply silently disappear. Yes, I felt bad for them, but I felt so much worse for myself. I guess it was a self-preservation instinct.
There was one time when I got rejected by a decent person after which it suddenly clicked. The manner in which he did it was done with respect, purity, elegance and simplicity. Yes, I did feel a pinch, but it was very short-lived. What was important is that his rejection did not make me feel ‘unworthy’, de-valued, unattractive or like there was something wrong with me. As a matter of fact – I felt respected and valued. I FELT IMPORTANT.
When we behave like sh*t towards someone, we do feel like sh*t after that. This statement is true for anyone who has a basic conscience. We know when we do something that is not right, don’t we? We know how terrible it feels to ignore well-intended messages or phone calls from a guy who has no idea how we feel. We, as humans, feel bad because we know exactly what the other person is going through. We secretly hope they will get our silent message and disappear for good.
And now imagine a situation when you meet them by a pure accident? It did happen to me once, and let me tell you, I wish I had a root canal in a dentist’s office instead. It was an awkward scene with more lies and excuses… oh my. I felt bad after that. I felt terrible.
If you do not want to feel bad or awkward rejecting a person who did nothing wrong but have interest in you, then there is the right way to do it. It is very simple and yet super powerful. It puts you both on the same page and makes the whole 'moving on' process much easier.
Please note, that this method is applicable for very short-lived relationships – like up to 3 dates or so.
It is relatively ‘easy’ to reject someone after 1 or 2 dates actually. Simply put – you do not owe them an explanation. Whatever you did not like about them - like looking too old, bad breath, certain manners and habits, maturity level etc. – they do not need to hear that. They do not need to know about your deal breakers or possible skeletons that just came out of the closet. Revealing details is like inviting a conversation. They may go on justifying themselves or even worse – point out your flaws and defects. Who needs this exchange of ‘courtesies’?
To make it super simple for you and them, here are the examples of what to say (a simple sms would suffice):
~ Thank you for the great time, but I do not feel a spark. We both deserve more. Good luck with your search.
~ I do not feel like we are a good match. Hope you will find what you are looking for. Take care.
~ You are a great person, but it’s not working for me. Wish you the best.
~ I do not feel like there is the potential of a romantic relationship happening. Wish you all the best.
~ I do not feel a connection and I do not want to waste my or your time. Good luck.
If the other party is at least half-decent, they will appreciate the honesty. Also, they will appreciate the respect, compassion, and time you gave them to tell the truth. After all, we want to believe they are mature enough to understand that dating is about rejections as well. No one should expect to hit the jackpot after only first date.
If they keep calling and bugging you after that, then it is your clue that they have no respect for your boundaries and would never make a good partner in life.
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