How to behave after breaking up with a narcissist
Let’s say you finally had the guts to break up with a narcissist, but for some reason, cannot stop talking to them abruptly. Perhaps a gradual weaning off process seems like a better choice for you… and that is OK! Flushing out someone abruptly is not for everyone.
How to behave after breaking up with a narcissist
Please understand that right after the breakup the narcissist will panic. He will start calling, texting, emailing, showing up at your front door, and may even switch to the language of heaven and sing serenades under your bedroom windows.
No matter what this clown does or the kind of circus tricks he pulls, you should always stay calm. Stay unimpressed and be calm at all times. Calmness is your secret weapon!
The minute you panic you will lose control over the situation. And, when we lose control, who do you think takes over? That’s right, the manipulative narcissist!
1. Shift focus onto yourself and your future. Do not agree to any of his offers ‘to talk’, to meet once a week, to take a temporary break from a relationship, to see a counselor etc. As soon as you agree to any of these he will know he has control over you. He wants to keep you on a leash, like a neutered poodle.
2. His goal is to make you feel guilty. Every phone conversation will be sprinkled with serenades of love, reminders of how much he did for you, and how much he had to sacrifice to make you happy. And, at the same time, you will be blamed for not giving him a chance, lying behind his back, and turning him into a neurotic raccoon by breaking up a good relationship with a good man. Oh yeah…
3. Do not try to make him understand how you feel. It is not possible! Narcissists are only worried about their own feelings. They don’t care and they do not want to care what other people feel and that includes you. Do not waste your time trying to make them ‘get’ it. They will use these discussions to make you feel guilty and manipulate you back into a relationship.
4. Do not succumb to a sudden, rather drastic, change in his behavior. Do not believe in promises of commitment or marriage, do not lose your mind over sudden expensive gifts and offers to travel. By this time you should already know what a liar he is. Lying to him is as natural as the act of breathing. He will lie as long as he lives!
5. If needed, look for professional help or support from close friends and family. During this difficult time, you will need guidance, compassion, understanding, and encouragement. It is not always possible to get out of a swamp on your own.
Keep in mind that a narcissist will criticize and bad-mouth anyone who will try to help you.
6. Do not use the words “sometime”, “possibly”, “someday in the future”, “maybe” etc. As soon as he hears these words he will know that your defense mechanisms are breaking down and you are giving up, and as a result, will start harassing you more.
To make this whole thing easier pretend you are a broken slot machine. What keeps addicts going is the prize. Deep down they know that eventually, no matter how many times they pull the handle, something will come out of it.
Even if it is a teeny-tiny win, it is still a reward. The reward they knew they would get eventually as long as they kept trying.
So, if you keep sticking to your determination by not giving him hope of any kind (no matter how hard and for how long he tries), be sure not to leave him with a glimmer of hope that down the road there may be a chance for the two of you (aka the prize). It will only encourage him to keep going and try harder.
Since there was a prize, he will continue playing the slot machine. Who knows, maybe there is a jackpot around the corner?
Do not let him play you. Become a broken slot machine with no prizes and no jackpots.
Do not ever change your mind about the narcissist. Narcissists do not change. If you keep sticking to your guns, he will eventually bug off.
Some more helpful hints:
1. A narcissist never sees his own responsibility or his own contribution to creating relationship problems. From a psychological point of view, he has been living and acting like this his entire life. To see what is actually going on, one has to possess self-awareness (which a narcissist is lacking) and the ability to step out of the box.
2. A narcissist rarely breaks off contact completely and will try to keep in touch with his partner even after the relationship is over (When they call, lie down and count to 100. After that, see if the urge to pick up is still there).
3. Do not ever change your mind about the breakup with a narcissist. Let this breakup be permanent. Don't say that you may reconsider your decision in the future. You may assume that saying so will soothe an agitated narcissist, but the fact is that he will think that he still has a chance to get you back and therefore will keep pushing.
4. Do not agree to meet and talk about your past or discuss what went wrong. For a narcissist it will be a good opportunity to upset you, punch holes in your defenses, and play with your sense of guilt to eventually get you back.
5. If during a telephone conversation all of a sudden you start feeling guilty, end the conversation quickly. Many people go back to destructive marriages and toxic relationships out of a sense of guilt. If you analyze your phone conversations with the narcissist, you will realize that this smooth operator spends most of his time trying to make you feel guilty.
In essence, the shorter your conversations are, the better. Ideally, breaking up all contact would be the best.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - Boundaries III - How to establish personal boundaries guide and The Narcissist - when it is his way or the highway or my popular e-Book Sassy Bitch Reference Guide - What To Do When He... top 100 questions answered!