Licensed Counselor Tracy Redman answers your questions

Hello everyone. Today we have a special guest - Tracy L. Redman - who will be answering your questions. Tracy L. Redman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with 20+ years of experience in helping individuals and families to improve their well-being in life with just a simple change in attitude. See her impressive bio and contact information here.
1. We broke up years ago, but I still cannot forget my ex. How do I move on? I cannot stop thinking about him.

What to consider when your mind is racing about an ex....What does my mind bring up? What is the focus of the memory? The reason it continues to return is because there is a lesson in that pain or situation… the situation desires you to learn the lesson of the pain to allow the pain to go away… Look for a pattern and a theme or your memory and ask the memory: ‘what does this mean and what must I do?’

Recognize thoughts are interactive, it is the connection between our body, mind, and soul. We need to integrate our relationship with our ‘self’ where we prioritize self care above all else (O2 mask). This seems difficult as we are often taught to ‘please others’ to be seen as good.

Sometimes we are in relationships where our partner may make us think, we were wrong or to blame; Gaslighting starts, we start to believe them and incorporate that wrong belief into out own core beliefs.

2. I am so shy, and it stops me from meeting new people. I am a complete nervous wreck when it comes to dating. Any helpful tips would be very much appreciated.

The first step is to integrate yourself (as mentioned above). Look for a person you admire and identify traits you like about them. I guarantee those traits you admire are also in you.

Look at your hobbies, interests than look at yourself and see things you like about you. Now write a script introducing yourself to another person with passion and excitement recognizing what a wonderful interesting person they are meeting in you.

3. We just started dating and I have a feeling he is a player. I do not want to be hurt again. I have trouble trusting men...

YOU must be the starting GPS position. You are the only you have to trust. You are the GATEKEEPER, when you meet someone, you already know who you are. In meeting people, they have to meet YOUR requirements, you do NOT have to meet theirs. YOU are deciding if it is a “Go, no-go solution”

If you are trying to get to know someone, you should already have an idea of who that might be, based on the type of guy you would like to share a sustainable relationship. You ask evaluation questions to see if they make the grade.

People spend more time researching refrigerators or washers/driers than they do a spouse! Do yourself a favor, do your research now before it’s too late.

It is important that you identify your needs and vulnerabilities, because many times people chose mates like they are food shopping hungry, they make poor choices because they have unmet needs or other vulnerabilities… You need to make sure you are reading the situation and not projecting your desires on the person.

4. I am stuck in an unhealthy relationship, but I am too afraid to leave. Where do I find courage to leave? I am scared.

The courage comes from valuing yourself. Have you noticed a pattern here of Self? It is called an internal locus of control. This is where your experience of this life is predicated on your well-being.

The world will never have world peace till each individual has inner peace. So your purpose in life is to obtain inner peace through your life lessons.

Every negativity has a lesson for you to learn, which becomes the Substance of your character, your authentic self. So challenging those fears to get to their core you become the OVERCOMER.

5. I am too nice and I guess - weak too. People take advantage of me all the time. I know I need to put my foot down and start saying 'No'. How do I change myself? Can this be changed??

Using healthy boundaries in conjunction with defining yourself by prioritizing self care (GPS). You can’t give away what you don’t have, how can you truly care for others if you don’t first care for yourself?  That manipulation… no wonder why you might be feeling manipulated... because that is what people are doing to you.

Yes, your heart may be sincere, but if the Creator of the universe had an outer court, inner court, holy of holies, you can use boundaries too.

6. Women complain about cheaters, womanizers, abusers and players and yet, they still pick these jerks over nice guys. Why?? I am a nice guy and I am alone, and will probably die alone too.

Women pick these guys because if the relationship fails it is not their fault. Authentic women know their worth and have high standards. Everyone can have sign and drive Kia, you want a woman of Substance, get in a target rich area of women with Substance…they are probably out enjoying their hobbies looking for a partner to join them…

Men like you who are loyal and faithful are the only ones for a sustainable healthy relationship and wellbeing - you earn your merit through the trials of life providing security and stability.

7. How do I stop worrying all the time? Every little thing sets me off.

A photo back in the 1980s had a negative. Everyone knows you have to process the negative… instead of worrying boil it down to specifics…than whatever the opposite of the worry is, that is the truth trying to be revealed.

Trajectory east/west …so if I am worrying about not being good enough than I turn around and imagine the positive opposite. What it would be like if I was more than enough…what would I do, what would be different? Start imbibing the positive authentic success as your Substance

8. I have a long term deep seated resentment towards my friend. What I am asking here is how do I let go of this anger? I have trouble forgiving.

Letting go means replacing anger with Forgiveness and Grace. It does not mean what they did was okay, it just means you are setting YOURSELF free from the resentments as they have become this grudge that will continue to fester and rob you of fully being complete.

The grudge gaslights you into anger. Anger is not an ingredient in love passion and well-being; well-being is about relationships. Relationship to self, others and the universe. Learn the lesson of the pain and let it go; it does NOT belong to you…it does not fit your authentic self.

It is like putting your shoe on the wrong foot, you instantly know it is wrong. In the same way grudges, anger, and resentment do not fit your authentic self.

Process the resentment, learn the lesson of the pain, and let the pain go back to the person it belongs to so they can learn their karmic lesson.

9. We are in a committed relationship (not married), and I just found out that my partner is dating someone else! I am so hurt! I will never be able to trust him again. I need help coping with this betrayal and pain. I cannot be with him anymore.

If you have made the choice not to be with this person, than always process; learn the lesson of the pain. What did you learn about yourself, the other person, the universe?

With the hindsight of this relationship what have you learned about your core values and what you desire in a relationship? Marriage is a contract, committed relationships are like a hand shake…

Did you define the terms of the relationship? Did you define roles and responsibilities. Did your relationship have structure? Did you spend more time purchasing an appliance than you did with the person.

Everything learned is subjective and meant for you. It is your wisdom where now you no longer have an opinion about something, you are a subject matter expert. (Diamonds/tribulations)

10. He blows hot and cold. One minute he is all over me and another - nowhere to be found. I hate it. These mixed signals drive me crazy. How do I set him straight? I do not like 'this' kind of a relationship. Is it even a relationship??

I recommend people assess people’s behaviors over their words. What do their behaviors tell you about the person, their priorities and focus?

It is also import to know, for many men, sex is a coping skill, for them they just need to feel better fast… Unfortunately, we train people how to treat us…

If you have never talked about Love Languages (define your SNAP SMART - strengths, needs, abilities, preferences – Specific Measurable Achievable Realistic Timely), then he does not know how to romance you. Remember “How will people know unless they are first told?”

You have to tell them what to do. NEVER assume. Assuming is filling in the blanks. Never fill in the blanks.

In life we need DATA to do our calculations. Our calculations are only as good as our data, SO USE PRIMARY SOURCES ONLY.