Bad Boys Feel Exciting for the Same Reason Casinos Do

There is a strange thing that can happen when you have dated enough difficult men: a perfectly decent man arrives, calls when he says he will, seems genuinely interested, makes plans for Saturday and does not disappear into the wilderness for four days after kissing you.

And somehow you think, Hmm. I’m not feeling it.

Meanwhile, the man who texts at midnight, changes his mind every forty-eight hours and has a mysterious relationship with his own availability can make your heart suddenly develop terrible judgment.

This is where dating begins to resemble a casino, because casinos are exciting for a reason: lights flash, bells ring, something might happen at any second, and nobody knows whether the next pull will bring a jackpot or take your last twenty dollars.

A bad boy can create much the same atmosphere without even providing free drinks.

One day he is all over you, the next day he is distant, and then he returns with a message so charming that you perk up like somebody just hit three cherries.

He misses me!

Wonderful — never mind that three days ago you were staring at your phone wondering whether he had joined a monastery.

The unpredictability itself can start feeling like chemistry, and that is the trick: you are not simply enjoying him anymore; you are waiting to see what happens next.

Will he call? Will he disappear? Will he suddenly become incredibly affectionate? Will tonight be magical while tomorrow makes absolutely no sense?

There is always another spin.

Compared with this, a man who says, “I’d like to see you Friday,” and then actually sees you Friday can seem almost suspiciously calm.

Where are the flashing lights, the emotional roulette wheel and the small internal crisis at 11:42 p.m.?

Nothing seems to be happening, except, of course, a relationship may actually be happening.

That can feel surprisingly quiet if your idea of attraction has become mixed up with uncertainty.

A good man may like you without requiring you to win him. He does not make affection scarce and then hand it back like a prize, and you do not have to study yesterday’s messages, consult three girlfriends and determine whether the smiley face had romantic significance.

He simply likes you, which is very inconsiderate of him, really. There goes the entire evening.

But this is also where the “nice guys are boring” idea gets unfair, because being kind does not automatically make a man interesting.

A man can be perfectly decent and still bore you senseless. He may have the personality of an unsalted cracker, talk for forty minutes about lawn equipment and still be lovely, respectful and completely wrong for you.

Niceness is not chemistry, and nobody owes a man attraction because he remembered your birthday and did not behave like a lunatic.

But there is a difference between this man bores me and stability bores me, even though those two things can look remarkably similar from across a dinner table.

You can often tell the difference by noticing what you miss. Do you miss wit, confidence, sexual spark, curiosity and that delicious feeling of being mentally awake around someone?

Fair enough.

Or do you miss wondering where you stand?

Because that is a very different entertainment package.

The bad-boy casino is especially clever because the occasional jackpot can be spectacular. After several disappointing evenings, he suddenly arrives with flowers, pulls you close, tells you nobody understands him like you do and gives you one glorious weekend that feels suspiciously like a perfume commercial.

You think, There he is. That’s the real him.

Perhaps — or perhaps you just won this round.

The beautiful weekend becomes evidence that all the confusing parts are worth enduring because another jackpot might be coming, so you stay at the table.

And casinos understand this perfectly: if everybody lost every single time, nobody would keep playing. There have to be wins, there has to be champagne, and there has to be just enough magic to make you forget what you have already spent.

A steady man operates differently because his affection may not arrive with cymbals when it never vanished in the first place. Tuesday was pleasant, Wednesday was pleasant, and Thursday did not require emergency analysis.

At first, this can feel less intense, and of course it does.

A lamp is less exciting than fireworks, but you can read beside a lamp.

Try building a life around fireworks and eventually somebody loses an eyebrow.

And there is another little problem with the bad-boy thrill: once you have experienced enough of it, peace can feel almost empty. There is no crisis to solve, no guessing to do and no sudden rush of relief when he finally replies, so your mind concludes there must be no passion.

Meanwhile, the man beside you may be funny, sexy, intelligent and affectionate, entirely capable of making your heart race without first making it sink.

That is the part worth noticing, because a good relationship does not have to feel beige. It can have desire, adventure, ridiculous laughter, fabulous sex, arguments, surprise trips and nights when neither of you behaves particularly sensibly.

It simply does not need a roulette wheel in the middle of the living room.

Perhaps nice men were never the boring ones; perhaps after enough time in the casino, the quiet outside simply takes a little getting used to.