Breaking up with a cheater. It will never be the same!
There is nothing worse than being back-stabbed by a person who you trusted the most. You gave them your tender vulnerable heart and all they did was to shatter it into pieces.
I know how you feel. These kinds of things make us question EVERYTHING. We now obsess if there is something wrong with us, if we are unlovable, wondering who they were for real vs. who we thought they were, the relationship overall, and the meaning of it to the other person.
~ If this relationship was all they wanted (like they claimed), then why did they cheat?
~ They said they loved me and were happy with me. If this is true, then how come they still cheated? Was I not bringing enough to the table? If so, what was it? Why wouldn’t they talk to me about it?
~ Did they not know how much damage this betrayal could cause? They chose themselves over our Love and what we had together.
~ After all that damage, why are they still trying to come back? Are they that insensitive and clueless?
~ They said I was their soul mate… If so, then why the cheating? WHY did they do it to me? WHY??? WHY????
And then it hits us.
Sadness, unbearable earth-shattering sadness. The pain that we feel every morning the minute we wake up... it is as if the entire Universe is mourning with us. We talk to them in our head and wonder if they do the same thing. We wonder if they are in pain too. We wonder if they miss us as much as we miss them and if they remember what it was like when we were together.
We wonder if they are thinking of us and if they feel as damaged, sad, and destroyed as we are now. We wonder if this difficult period will ever end and if so, how exactly it will end and what the end would be like.
We wonder if they remember the magical moments we had together and if it had the same meaning to them as it did to us. Did it feel as real to them as it did to us too?
Every morning we get greeted by a mourning sun which reminds us that life continues. Despite the profound pain and anxiety, we have no choice but to get up and keep going. We talk to people around us, run errands, chat with our friends, and even smile sometimes; and we do all those things while being in pain and crying inside.
“This shall pass” - they say - “Yes, this shall pass”.
You know, you cannot really go back to the cheater. If you do, it will never be the same.
Excerpts from a Diary of a Woman Who Tried to Make it Work with a Cheater:
“I thought it was just me and him and when I discovered that it was not the case I was very confused… It made me question the validity of our entire relationship… I could not understand why he chose Her. She was older than me, less educated, not as intelligent as I am, and not even that attractive.
Was the affair with that kind of a woman worth trashing our relationship? I could not put it all together, nothing was making sense.
Months later... He was remorseful and apologetic, and after his promise to see a counselor I took him back…
I was living day and day out with a man who I knew once betrayed me. The feeling was so heavy, it was there every single day of my life with him and no matter how hard I tried “to forget” I could not.
I am naturally a confident woman and this relationship has changed me. I became insecure, paranoid, and very needy. I was checking his phone, spying on his conversations, following him around at times ‘to make sure’ nothing was going on, and if he went where he said he was going.
I started questioning his compliments, presents, and other romantic gestures. Was he saying the same words to her too? During intimacy, I was screaming inside with the thought of him doing it to another woman. I could not enjoy our sex anymore. It is like there was always a third person in our bedroom. That gave me nightmares…
I started questioning my own sanity and who I became. My self-esteem went down to the level of zero. I was questioning my own judgment and tried to figure out what was wrong with me for taking a cheater back. Why would a normal, sane, intelligent woman want to take back a man who betrayed her? What kind of woman does that?
I was worried about my social image. My close friends and family knew my story and I felt ashamed of what I did. I felt ashamed for taking a cheater and a liar back.
There was something damaged and deeply broken inside of me. I was living with this conflict for months until one day… when I said "Enough".
I could not do it. I could not continue.
Despite his attempts to fix our relationship and ‘us’, his efforts to gain my trust, and numerous sessions with a counselor, it still was never the same.
It took me several months to realize that the relationship was damaged beyond repair. His cheating killed it… I wanted to move on…
Three years later I met someone else. I took my time and was careful… It is true that betrayals like this affect our future romantic relationships. I am a different person now. That betrayal has changed me forever”
Being broken up is painful enough, but being broken up and betrayed is 10 times worse. We are left alone in a dark corner, stabbed in a back, suffering in silence while they’re enjoying their good time with the ‘other’ person.
It is not them but you who will have zero attention from now on. It is not them but you who lost companionship, daily conversations, and intimacy. You now have to suck it up and move on… while they are enjoying all of these things you used to have together (companionship, daily conversations, and intimacy) with another person.
It is like there was no loss for them. It was just a transition from You to The Other Person. The relationship, the conversations, the sex, the good times never stopped and therefore they have moved on. They have it all so they do not miss it.
Breaking up with a cheater is hard but it is necessary. There is no future. Post-betrayal relationships almost never work. In those cases when they do, it usually takes years. That’s the amount of time two people spend on fixing the damage. And, on top of that, there is never a guarantee that things will ever be OK. Just ask your family and friends.
Despite all the doom and gloom, I have words of consolation for you.
When leaving a cheater think of yourself as being the ‘better person’ in that relationship. You were a better partner, and they were the ones who ruined everything. It was their fault and now they have to live with it. If you were a good partner, they may eventually have regrets (I know they do!). That is why cheaters sometimes come back. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the tracks.
Let them live with what they did. Shift the focus onto yourself and work on your recovery. The pain won’t last forever. If this is not your first breakup, then you know exactly what I am talking about.
P.S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this affordable online counseling service. You will not be disappointed.