Boundaries II – Basics

Ok, ladies, let’s talk about boundaries (see Boundaries I and Boundaries III here)

Think about people that are currently present in your life. Even though we do hope that all of them love and appreciate you, there could still be bad apples among them, ahem.

The first question for you: can you possibly identify them? And second: once you do know who they are, how the hell do you get rid of them for good?

One word: BOUNDARIES.

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Having boundaries is extremely beneficial. Sticking to them is an effective way to eliminate toxic waste from your life.

Examples of waste

~ Toxic, devaluing us people

~ Petulant men-children

~ People with a low level of emotional intelligence

~ Those who won’t get off their freedom train and won’t give us commitment

~ All the kinds of frustrated baby-ponies who by pouting at the first sign of dissatisfaction make us fall into a pleasing mode

~ Those who are cruel and possess low levels of empathy

~ People who do not accept us completely and especially those who force us ‘to work’ to earn love

~ Unpredictable, unreliable, inadequate, aggressive people

~ Con artists, cowards, sneaky clowns, and sweet-talk manipulators

Take a closer look at the people in your circle. How do they make you feel?

Does it feel like someone snuck into your world and changed all the locks? Does it feel like what they think is the 'right' way to treat you seems all 'wrong'? Have you been chasing a pie in the sky, hopelessly and endlessly, for years?

Now, let us agree on this one thing: we are not always aware of how much pain we bring to another individual. We may never be aware unless they let us know.

Makes sense?

What I mean by this is that those people who cause us pain and discomfort may not always know how much they are ‘injuring’ us. Don’t you think they deserve to know?

So, the first step in setting up the boundaries would be letting them know of their hurtful behavior and how it affects you. I call it giving them a second chance. I believe everybody deserves that. Let them prove their worth to you!

In a calm voice explain what they do wrong and how unacceptable their behavior is. Let them know that you are absolutely dissatisfied with such treatment and what your expectations are.

Give them instructions, if needed. Who knows, some people are so set in their ways that they do not see alternatives. Expecting some clueless person to deliver on promises is like asking a blind pig, running in a cornfield, to find a unicorn.

“But I am so worried I may hurt their feelings” – Heather B. from Australia

Do not be afraid to hurt the feelings of those who hurt YOUR feelings. Stop trying to please everyone! Do not be afraid to defend yourself. You owe it to yourself!

When to cut them off

Cut them off immediately upon the first signs of aggression, anger, manipulation, finger-wagging, scolding, and devaluing of you.

Giving them a second chance does not mean we have to tolerate this kind of behavior. If they do not like your terms then oh well, they will have to go.

Pay attention to those who sort of ‘got it’ where you are coming from. Perhaps they were shocked, surprised, and felt misunderstood too? Perhaps they had their own reasons to behave the way they did? We are all humans after all. Giving them a second chance is only human and fair. Don’t you think?

However, if after several explanations they do not change their behavior and attitude towards you – cut them off and do not think twice!! Some people are just born rotten and every year they get only worse.

People and sleazy thinking do not change. Being around those who treat us wrong is bad for our mental health and sense of well-being.

Since change is uncomfortable and scary, you can start with baby steps. Start with one person at a time and see how it goes. Riddance of waste gets easier with time and eventually becomes an automatic process; the process of elimination that eventually becomes a great habit to have!

Letting someone go may feel like an ice cube to a man’s sack, but it still needs to be done. Life is too short (ask your parents) to wrestle in waste. In the end, we do not regret the mistakes we made, we regret that we never tried.

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