Unrequited love: are you their ‘enabler’?

Sometimes when it comes to unrequited love we could be the one enabling them NOT to love us back.

Just like there are enablers for alcoholics there are enablers for those who do not want to love us back.

Enabling means facilitating, assisting, empowering, giving permission, supporting, and allowing.

Think about it. Just like with cases with alcoholics where our loving ways enable them to go on, unrequited love is no different: our loving them unconditionally enables them not to love us back. It’s like they have this great opportunity to explore it with us, but they choose not to.

First things first.

Unlike with friendships, where we make a conscious choice to pick friends, love is something that ‘just happens’. Once it happens, we may still have a choice to stay or to leave, but it does not mean that we are owed love.

No one owes us love and neither do we owe it to anyone. Just because we love someone, it does not mean that that someone must love us back or owes us love. Waiting for them for decades, putting our life on hold, and having a bunch of hopes does not entitle us to being their ‘The One’ . It just does not work this way.

Once we sorted it out, here is another side of the coin: there are circumstances, however, when they say they feel attraction which makes us believe that there is a chance of reciprocation.

Rather than giving them space and time to figure out what they want and let them come to us, we take on the mission with full force to make it all happen. It is like they are not an equal part of the equation and we think we ‘know better’.

As we do this, we become the enabler - the enabler of their ambivalence.

~ We facilitate: we gladly take over their courting/relationship responsibilities. As a result – they get all their dates scheduled without moving a finger on their part.

~ We assist: we help them to stay ambivalent by not making demands.

~ We empower: they do not think anything is wrong with their behavior, because if there was we would not be so loving. As a matter of fact – it is just the opposite - since we are this super loving and accepting, they think that they are doing something right. They are empowered by our attitude and love.

~ We give permission: by staying with them on such terms we give them silent permission to keep going. We may not like the terms of ‘the deal’ but feel too scared to come to a negotiation table. And, where there is no talk there is no new deal.

~ We support and encourage: we encourage their ways of treating us by going along. No matter what they are – mad, rude, uncaring etc – we are still there.

~ We allow: we allow them to get away with behavior we are not happy about. We allow for all this to happen for the chance of Love.

When we love someone unconditionally and do all we can to make it easier for them to love us back (like mixing in all the ‘extras’ listed above) all we are doing is enabling their ambivalence because they are not forced to make a choice.

If we were to state how we feel and give them space they would be forced to do something. If there is attraction on their part they would come.

You just cannot force someone to love you. It should happen on their time. Let them take the lead, let them take charge; let them PARTICIPATE at their own pace and style. No matter how frustrating or annoying it is for you to do so, it is just the way things are sometimes.

Remember that promise you made to yourself to do ‘anything’ just to make them love you back? Backing off is going to be your next ‘anything’ now. Stop doing what you are doing, tell them the honest truth about how you feel, put it back into their hands and back off. They will come if there is a chance of love.