Playing Hard to Get: The Curious Case of the Vanishing Woman

At some point in romantic history, someone decided that the best way to make a man interested in you was to behave as though you were only mildly aware of his existence.

And women have been disappearing ever since.

Not completely, obviously. Complete disappearance would interfere with the romance. The trick is to remain visible enough to be wanted while periodically vanishing behind a velvet curtain of mysterious engagements, delayed replies and an expression suggesting that although he is certainly charming, you have several other matters requiring your attention.

Meet the Vanishing Woman

She likes him.

This is precisely why she must be careful.

If she did not like him, everything would be wonderfully easy. She could answer whenever she felt like it, decline an invitation without wondering what it meant, and go about her life with the peaceful confidence of someone who is not trying to produce a particular effect.

But she does like him, so now natural behavior has become dangerous.

Too much enthusiasm might frighten him. Too much availability might spoil the chase. Too much warmth might allow him to become comfortable, and apparently comfort this early in romance is treated with roughly the same suspicion as mold in a hotel bathroom.

So she disappears a little.

Not enough to lose him.

Just enough to make him wonder.

This is considered mysterious.

And mystery, as every woman has been told at least seventeen times, is irresistible to men.

Perhaps.

Although one suspects that mystery has been given responsibilities it never applied for.

A man may certainly become curious when a woman is difficult to reach. Human beings are wonderfully susceptible to unfinished business. Tell us a door is locked and suddenly we would very much like to know what is behind it, even if five minutes earlier we were happily walking past.

Playing hard to get takes this perfectly ordinary bit of psychology and turns it into a romantic production.

The curtain opens.

You appear.

You are charming.

The man approaches.

You vanish.

Applause.

The man becomes intrigued and comes closer. You reappear briefly, perhaps allowing him one delightful evening before retreating again into the mist.

Now he is thinking about you.

Excellent.

Unfortunately, there is a small problem with becoming fascinating because you keep disappearing: you may eventually attract a man who particularly enjoys women who disappear.

The Man Who Loves the Chase

Some men adore the chase. The less available you seem, the more energetic they become. They call, pursue, plan and develop astonishing reserves of determination that were apparently lying dormant until somebody said no.

It can look wonderfully romantic.

He wants you!

Possibly.

He may also want to catch you.

These are not quite the same thing.

The distinction usually becomes clearer once the Vanishing Woman stops vanishing.

She steps out from behind the curtain, reveals that she actually likes him, and becomes a perfectly pleasant woman who is available for dinner without requiring a three-week pursuit through the foothills of Tuscany.

And occasionally, something curious happens.

His enthusiasm cools.

The mystery has been solved.

The locked door has opened.

Our explorer begins glancing toward another mountain.

Some people are enormously stimulated by uncertainty and rather less stimulated by what comes after it. Once the prize is no longer difficult to obtain, they begin looking around for another game.

They do not fall in love with the woman.

They fall in love with the fog machine.

The Man Who Believes You

Then there is another sort of man entirely: the one who sees a disappearing woman and assumes she would prefer to be left alone.

Rather inconsiderately, he respects the evidence.

He makes an approach, receives very little in return, and concludes that perhaps this particular lady is not interested. Instead of becoming consumed by the challenge, he wanders off and meets someone who appears pleased to see him.

The Vanishing Woman is stunned.

Where did he go?

He was supposed to pursue.

Apparently nobody gave him the script.

And sooner or later, the disappearing act has to end. The curtain opens, the smoke clears, and there you are: not an elusive creature from another realm, but a woman who likes a man and would quite enjoy seeing him again.

Which, when you think about it, was a perfectly promising situation before anybody brought in the fog machine.