Keep that door shut no matter how hard and tempting!
Kicking someone toxic out of your life is truly liberating, but guess what? Going No contact, sticking to our own boundaries, and doing all the right things we are supposed to be doing after a breakup do not guarantee us peace of mind BECAUSE even though we could give a 5 star rating for our own post-breakup behavior there could still be something left we may have no control over – the atrocious behavior of our ex.
Let us admit ladies, even though we are 100% sure that we have done the right thing and our ex is the last person on the planet Earth we want to see or hear from it does not change the fact that their behavior and manipulating tactics could still affect us.
It does not even matter how sensitive we are about the whole thing because since we were in a relationship with them before, it means that they already know what buttons to push to get to us. It is like knowing a password to our mind and heart. It is very private and they have access to it. Isn’t it scary??
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You see, you can change that password by not acting the way they expect you to. Your not responding in the way they expect will send them a signal that their magic old time tested password is not working anymore. When it happens many exes respond to this discovery in a very predictable manner – they go overboard with their actions to ‘impress us enough’ to make us break down.
Here is what they resort to and I bet you had it happen to you more than once: they say that they were diagnosed with a fatal disease, or they say that one of their relatives - and it is usually someone you had a close relationship with - is having health problems or is in trouble (the kind of trouble you could help with – hint-hint).
They spread gossip about you, yell and curse at you one day and call to apologize the next, they say they forgot something in your place, send you unexpected gifts (usually flowers with romantic postcards), contact you on Holidays, state that they are finally leaving their wife or a girlfriend, claim they realized what they have done and how they are a different person now, cry about being a fool and beg for another chance, contact you periodically for months and YEARS with some meaningless text messages, contact you out of the blue as if you were not broken up, calling you names for not giving them another chance, scream ‘I hate you’, provoke you with sending images of them and their new date, ask to be friends, or involve your family to steer a debate.
They are doing it all to get your attention and to make you change your mind. They are doing it also because they cannot accept that they lost control over you. When you were together they had their way with you. In their mind you were their property and now they have a hard time accepting the loss. They are doing it because they do not want to feel like a loser; gaining control back would make them feel good.
If you were to succumb, if only once, and let them in, you would re-live your broken relationship again. This time though - in a much shorter span. You would go through the same pain again and be reminded of why you broke up. What an incredible waste of time!
It is true you cannot control their crazy post-breakup behavior, but you can certainly control YOU. Remember that password we were talking about? That’s your clue.
You change that password by changing your response. If they are persistent enough, have no respect for your feelings and your desire to be left alone at this time (very common), or are totally clueless about the whole thing, then they may continue breaking in. They may improvise, try different variations, resort to silly or sometimes scary tactics, and just act out of control.
You may look at them and think: ‘Is that normal behavior of a sane person? Is it behavior of someone who lives in reality? Is it someone I want to be with?’
Once they discover that their password does not work they may choose to go beyond the limits to ‘win the battle’. They know YOU, they know what you feel and how you think, what words to say to set you off, and they are aware of your weak spots, so they arrogantly think they are on the top of the game. They know how to pull your strings.
When they masterfully pull your string it may feel like:
~ you are about to give up
~ they are ‘wining’ or just ‘about to win’
~ you are losing control
~ it is difficult to maintain the No Contact Rule
~ you are about to break your own promises to yourself. (That’s an awful feeling!)
~ you are a fool for not forgiving them
~ you are losing your ‘last chance’ because they have ‘finally realized how much they love you’
~ you are wrong and they are right.
DO NOT LET these thoughts and feelings derail you from your journey. I say, keep doing what you have been doing and keep that door shut tightly. No one said that breakups are easy and sometimes we need to go that extra mile to make them FINAL. Your breakup is final and that’s it. The door is closed forever and they are not welcome back.
You may also like: Articles - When he comes back AGAIN and Should I give him a second chance? or if you want to feel happy about your breakup you may love my super affordable and empowering e-Book When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE - how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself