Getting over your breakup – it is all about memories
If you stop and think for a moment, then it may become apparent to you that our own memories AND emotions attached to them are the biggest contributors to our breakup pain.
We do not just remember things that happened, we remember the feelings associated with them. And, the more good feelings we experienced during those together times the greater the sense of loss (and pain) after a breakup.
The thing is that a relationship does not even need to be super perfect to produce pain after it ends. Even the most lousy ones are painful to get over.
If you are currently going through a breakup and hate feeling ‘weak’ and out of place, let me reassure you that there is a very good solution to this
Let me give you an example of my 15+ year observation of… immigrants. Yes, this example will have nothing to do with breakups, but if you bear with me for a moment you will see where I am going with this. May this real life example become a huge eye opener for you.
It has been my observation that all immigrants could be divided into 2 distinct categories: the ones that adjust and assimilate and the ones who do not adjust and assimilate to their new country.
The ones who eventually adjust and assimilate make an effort to learn English, to get education and a good paying job. The ones who do not adjust and assimilate do not put an effort into learning the English language, won’t get education and won’t have a decent paying job.
I have met both types and guess what was the biggest difference between these two groups? The group that assimilated almost or never visited their home country, unlike the other ones, who were doing it all the time. In other words, those who adjusted to a new country left the previous one behind for good, and those who did not assimilate and adjust kept strong ties and connections to it.
You may wonder, 'so what?'
Here is the thing: in order to adjust to a new place we have to let go of a previous one. And, the only way to do it is to ‘sort of’ forget the old one. By ‘sort of’ forget I mean forgetting what it felt like to wake up in the house you grew up in as a child (yes, back then in your homeland country), forgetting the streets you walked down, forgetting your elementary school and a first teacher, forgetting the names of your classmates and your first college years. By 'forgetting', I do not mean literally forgetting, I mean never refreshing those memories and emotions by constantly physically visiting and re-visiting your homeland.
It is very hard to move on from something if that something is constantly in our face… reminding us of what we have lost. It is even harder to move on if we keep having those feelings refreshed AGAIN and AGAIN. In this case, the familiar always wins over the unfamiliar and so adjusting to a new unfamiliar place becomes literally impossible.
The only way to adjust to a new place is to form new memories and feelings attached to them pertaining to a new place. It can be done and it is very possible, provided there are no other things interfering that are dragging you back.
Our brain is a very interesting and powerful thing. It will do anything and everything for you if you let it. LET YOUR BRAIN FORGET what happened in the past by NOT revisiting that emotional past over and over again. Let your brain build new memories and positive emotions attached to them so that the past will become a distant, insignificant past. We do not just forget events, we forget what it felt like. Once we forget the feelings we become pain free.
The reason you are hurting right now is because your brain still remembers the feelings and what happened AND because no new memories and positive emotions have had a chance to be created to overshadow and overwrite them. That’s the time when I like to say that time is the best healer, which it is true. It never fails.
Of course, you could just let it simmer for weeks and months, letting it die slowly, but what you can also do is to start proactively creating new memories. Pretend you are starting out anew, from the very beginning. Shift your focus onto you, become self-absorbed, self-involved, selfish, egoistical and ask this, "what are the things I can do for ME?"
When we are going through a breakup we neglect the most important person on this planet – which is YOU. No, it is not THEM, it is YOU. It is up to you to get over this painful hell as soon as possible. You owe it to yourself for goodness sake. It is your responsibility to find a way to get over this whole thing asap and creating new memories with positive emotions attached to them is the best way to do it.
Do not be like that immigrant who is constantly homesick reminiscing about their childhood and what happened 10 years ago, blindly ignoring fresh and beautiful opportunities knocking on their door.
P. S. If you feel like you need to talk to someone because your situation is too unique and most of the stuff you read on the internet is too generic and not helpful, then I would personally like to recommend you this super affordable online counseling service.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - 5 truths about breakups and I cannot stop thinking about him or if you need help getting over your breakup you may like my empowering e-Book When You Are Desperate for His Love - how to leave your bas relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself.