Are you their post-breakup self-esteem and ego booster?
After they get dumped – either by you or some other woman – their self-esteem and confidence may take a nose dive, and so they will either consciously or unconsciously make an effort to restore it to the level they used to have; AND if you were the kind of a person who liked to praise and compliment, then it would be a no-brainer to figure out that their coming back to you (if they are your ex), or just spending time with you (if they are not your ex), would be the way of ‘fixing’ it. In other words, they will want to make sure they've ‘still got it’.
You may not know what is going on – at first – because to you it may look like they ‘have changed’ and want to start over. Or, if they were not your ex - they may come across as vanilla and unengaged making you wonder what the hell they want.
Dumping them is like saying: “You are such a hopeless loser. There is zero hope you will ever get better. Who will want you?? NO ONE!”
To some it may not mean that much, they may just brush it all off and move on, but to others it may mean the end of the world. You know, we just never know how insecure someone is until we do something to bring it up to the surface.
RECOMMENDED FOR YOU: Affordable online counseling service with a licensed professional!
So, if your ex – or someone else’s ex – comes knocking on your door basically offering nothing to make YOU happy, it could be a sign that they are up to something. They are back to you to get that ‘I am worthy’ star pinned onto their head, and they think YOU are the one who will do it.
If you go along and forgive them or offer your compassion and understanding to someone who did nothing to deserve it, then it will be the same as saying: “Oh wow! You are soooo damn special. Regardless of your doing nothing to make me happy, regardless of all the crap you fed me for months, regardless of all the pain you gave me, I just cannot say NO to you. You are so truly special and unique, you certainly deserve an exceptional treatment. What else can I do for you to make YOU feel better?”
Then you go ahead and forgive them or make them feel welcomed – once again – and voila! They are either gone (again!) or make you go through the same pain that broke you off in the first place.
By letting them in you restore their damaged ego, inflate their deflated self-esteem, and pump up their self-confidence. That is rather a great return on investment! Notice how they did not really have to try hard to make it happen. Are you wondering now WHY they keep coming back but nothing else happens? Do you know now why they send you that one time per month text?
They keep coming back to get another ‘I am a great guy’ medal. Or a dose of self-confidence. Or an ego-boost.
Your responding back is very telling. They know now that you are still thinking about them, did not forget them (and perhaps even want them back), which in return satisfies their desire of being special.
They may not think of themselves as this, but your response will. They may not think of themselves as being a 10 (on a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 means being ‘terrible’ and 10 – being ‘fantastic’), but your response and willingness to engage will. YOU MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD. The hell with what you feel by the way… just saying. It is all about them. You make them believe they are still a 10.
Basically, while using you to feel worthy after a breakup, they may do nothing to make YOU feel worthy. It is either the same pain or a new set of broken hopes and dreams: “Why do they keep popping in and out? What is up with that?” or if they are someone else’s ex – “How come they are so distant?”
By engaging with them you are depleting your own resources. Please understand that post-breakup/freshly broken up people are not immediately available for a relationship. Be it your ex who keeps returning and disappearing or someone else’s ex - you are neither a band aid nor a resource to fix them. Who in the world do they think they are?
Your task here is to quickly figure out what is going on and to put own your foot down. Do not perceive their ‘attention’ as something more. I know people who went on dating after a breakup to just make themselves feel better. They are not in it for a relationship!
These are the shady, sneaky types who won’t hesitate to take advantage of you or their trusting ex to make themselves look better than they actually are. It is like you are their never ending pipe line of golden stars and awards. I mean, really??
Of course you are not. At least from this point forward. Stop draining yourself at their expense. There is nothing in it for you: their ego boost is not your ego boost, their enhanced self-esteem is not your enhanced self-esteem, and the result they are getting (while using you) is not the happy result YOU want.