Are You Dating Him or Watering Him Back to Life?

A man fresh from a breakup can arrive in your life looking surprisingly romantic.

He texts, flirts, wants to know what you are doing and tells you how beautiful you are with the enthusiasm of someone who has recently rediscovered adjectives.

Naturally, you assume he likes you.

And he may.

The slight complication is that he may also like what happens to him when you like him.

This is where post-breakup dating becomes wonderfully confusing, because sometimes you think you are watching a romance begin when you are actually watching a houseplant recover.

He arrived slightly wilted. His ex had stopped admiring the leaves, and then you appeared, laughing at his jokes, looking pleased to see him and generally behaving as though he remains a perfectly desirable member of the male population.

Within days, there is movement in the pot.

Look, He Has Two New Leaves

A bruised ego does not always look bruised. Sometimes it looks charming, attentive and extremely interested in your opinion.

Do you think he is funny? Attractive? Interesting? Did you miss him? He never quite hands you a questionnaire, but somehow the answers keep coming.

You tell him he looks good and one leaf uncurls. You laugh at the story and another appears. You kiss him and the plant is now facing the sun with tremendous confidence.

Lovely progress.

You had no idea you were gardening.

The funny thing is that all this can look almost exactly like romantic intensity. He wants to talk for hours, says lovely things and seems unusually delighted by your attention, so naturally you start thinking, Well, this is going somewhere.

He may be thinking something too.

Possibly: Oh thank God, I’ve still got it.

These thoughts are not quite the same.

Nobody has to be pretending for this to happen. He may genuinely like you, enjoy you and feel attracted to you, but after a breakup, being wanted again can feel wonderfully restorative.

Suddenly he is funny again, handsome again, interesting again.

Amazing what a little watering can do.

Well, Look Who Perked Up

Then, rather quietly, something changes.

The man who once seemed delighted by every message is suddenly much calmer about the whole arrangement. He still likes you and still enjoys seeing you, but he no longer behaves as though your attention has personally saved spring.

His confidence is back, and now look at him — standing upright, making jokes, remembering that other women exist. The breakup, which briefly seemed to have removed him from romantic circulation, has been overruled.

And you helped.

You laughed, flirted, kissed him, admired him and generally provided very convincing evidence that his ex was not the final authority on male desirability.

Naturally, he feels better.

The awkward part is that you may have mistaken his recovery for the beginning of something bigger. Not because he was pretending. He may have meant every compliment and enjoyed every minute with you. But wanting you and wanting to feel wanted again can look surprisingly similar from across the table.

Especially while the leaves are coming back.

Congratulations, the Plant Is Thriving

By now, the man who arrived drooping may look almost suspiciously well. His confidence is back, he feels attractive, and the world once again appears to contain possibilities.

Wonderful.

Meanwhile, you may be standing nearby holding the watering can and wondering when exactly this became a gardening project.

That is the strange little sting of being somebody’s post-breakup ego boost. You thought the two of you were growing something together, while some of the most impressive growth was happening entirely inside him.

It does not mean the beginning was fake. You may simply have been having two slightly different romances: you were getting to know him, while he was enjoying the thrilling discovery that he was still very much in demand.

Once that discovery settles in, the panic often does too. He no longer needs quite so much admiration, quite so many compliments or quite so much proof that he can still make somebody’s eyes light up.

And that is when things become much easier to see — once the plant no longer needs rescuing.

The real question is what remains when he is standing upright again.

Sometimes it is love.

Sometimes it is genuine affection that never quite becomes more.

And sometimes the plant simply wanders off looking fantastic.

You are left holding a perfectly good watering can, wondering how this became your gardening project.