Your ex: what is he thinking when he calls?
After a breakup we may or may not secretly wish our ex call us back or chase us like crazy, but when it actually happens it may not feel right.
If, for example, they were always busy and unavailable, then their sudden frequent calling and attention showering may feel unnatural and needless to say – suspicions: ‘they never called me this often when we were in a relationship. How come they are suddenly not busy to call and are available??’
Or if, for example, they were emotionally cold, then their sudden full of passion calls and text messages may not feel right either: ‘I wish he was this way with me in the relationship. Was he withholding it? I thought he was not capable’. And then – ‘maybe there is hope?’.
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Or even worse: when they come back calling you after they 1) dumped you and 2) asked to never contact them again.
What the heck is it with that??
The longer you have been out of contact the weirder it feels when they contact you.
I want you to understand that there is nothing good about your ex suddenly calling you. For maximum emotional safety I suggest to simply IGNORE him. To prove my point – take a look at his words. I bet all he said or wrote was all about him and his needs. It is not about you AT ALL because if it was he would:
1. Understand that you are grieving the loss of a relationship, you could still be in pain, you are working on your moving on process or perhaps you have moved on already with someone else.
Either way, he has to respect your wishes and your feelings AND behave accordingly. This does not seem like the case, does it??
2. Understand that he cannot give you what you need which means there is no point of calling and/or trying to get back together again. What is the point really?? That’s right. It is all about him and his needs. That’s the whole point.
When you get that call or repeated attempts to contact please, I beg you please, under any circumstances assume that they had an Epiphany. Do not get blinded by flattery, compliments, roses, chocolates, b-day cards, sudden invitations for a dinner and other mind hijacking tricks.
Here are the examples of what your ex REALLY thinks:
~ ‘I miss our time together, call me!’ Translation: ‘I miss my convenient doormat booty call woman. I cannot seem to find a replacement’
~ ‘I have been thinking about you. Let’s meet and talk’. Translation: ‘I feel terrified. I thought you would love me forever, I guess I was wrong. I want to make sure you are there for me when I need you’
~ ‘Hello. It’s me… Just wanted to say Hi and see how you are doing’. Translation: ‘I am going through a dry spell right now. Let’s see who is in my black book. Oh, maybe Mary will respond. She has always been nice and accommodating’
~ ‘Hey, how have you been? I did not really mean what I said, sorry. Wanna meet and catch up? Come on now, do not be so difficult’. Translation: ‘I am pissed you forgot me. How could you??? I thought I was your hero. To tell you the truth, I just got dumped. You were always putting me on a pedestal and I need it now’.
He calls because:
~ he cannot stand the thought that you dared to forget him. His ego cannot let it go.
~ he was ‘in a moment’. Perhaps he saw an old pic or heard a song, or maybe he visited place where you first met. It kind of caught up with him and he gave in. We all have weak moments, you know...
~ he is alone and/or does not like the idea of being alone. Your callback would alleviate the depressing feeling.
~ he may not want you, but he may still want to be sure ‘you are there for him’ should he need you or should he change his flip-flopping mind. It is not calling actually, it’s called ‘checking in’, ‘keeping tabs on you’, ‘I do not want to lose control’, ‘stay on my radar at all times’, ‘you are my property’.
Signs you are being ‘checked in’: one email/phone call/sms per month with no response to your response. Your response is a reassurance that you are ‘still there’. That’s all he needs.
~ he may not even realize how much pain you are in or how much damage he has done. It just goes to show what kind of a person he is. Those tears and pleadings of yours… and his annoyed blank stare. Some people just do not get it which means they will continue causing us pain.
~ he knows you are not ‘The One’, but should be OK for now, blah... Hmm, how come we are not surprised?
Do not fret over accidentally missed call/sms/email from your ex. Think of NOT having him in your new happy life as a REWARD.