How to move on from the perfect First Last Date
It happens to the best of us – we go on a date, immediately fall in love with the person and then what happens next is… the living hell of our own making.
Maybe they did not feel the spark, maybe they did not sense the ‘connection’ or maybe they thought you were not what they were looking for and decided not to pursue things further. Whatever it was on their end had resulted in them having the first last date with you. They are gone and they not coming back...
Meanwhile we obsess and refuse to let them go. We feel like we are in a relationship already - the ‘relationship’ that got made out of our strong emotions, dreams, assumptions, and imagination.
~ Maybe they need more time to figure out how they feel
~ Maybe they are scared
~ Should I show them how much I care?
~ How come they do not feel the way I do? How is it possible?
~ Since I feel this strongly they should feel at least something too
~ How do ‘we' go from here and how do ‘we’ move things forward?
~ Are they shy? Should I give them more time to feel ‘comfortable’?
We feel like IF THEY COULD ONLY RECIPROCATE something beautiful would have started. It seems so close now, we can almost touch it with our hand! We do not want to let ‘this chance’ go, instead we would rather use a magic ‘ready to use’ formula to make the things right and to make it all happen.
Because of that perfect first last date we may daydream for weeks, months or sometimes even YEARS. Waiting for the things to change. And if you have EVER been in this situation before you should already know that they usually never do.
In my experience, daydreamers usually fall into these categories:
You got frozen in time. Just like a photo that captures our faces, the surroundings, the ambiance, the time of the year, and our feelings at that particular moment you got stuck on the time frame of your first last date. It is very easy to put on an act, and to be nice, sweet, charming, polite, sexy, and mysterious on a first date. THAT’S what you remember and THAT’S what you are obsessing about – the picture of them that was taken by your own brain.
Because they disappeared so fast you feel like you were not given an opportunity to get to know them better, OR in other words, you were not given an opportunity to learn about some unappealing/weird/crazy/annoying stuff about them, and TO EVENTUALLY GET DISAPPOINTED. Just remember, that there is at least one woman on this planet who dumped him. She did it because she got sick of his sh*t.
If he has a lot of skeletons in his closet, and if he saw you as someone who would not put up with them, he made the choice to leave. He left because he knew you would leave him. And you know what? GOOD FOR YOU.
Living in denial. Although you may whine over the pain you are in you refuse to admit that you do it all to yourself. You love your ‘imaginary relationship’ and refuse to see the reality. Admitting to the reality means taking action – leaving ‘the relationship’ and breaking off with your emotions and dreams. There is NO relationship going on! It is all in your head. You do not also need the man to ‘end it’. You have to end it yourself.
Unavailable for a relationship. Living in a fantasy is a very cozy feeling. We do not want to be rejected and so we choose the dream – the place where we have control over how it all goes and how it all should play out. There is no rejection in our dreams, it feels safe and rewarding. All we have to do is to be there and that’s it.
The reality may not be as ‘cozy’ but it is still a REALITY. When you are open to it then and only then you meet REAL people who are interested in you for REAL and who can offer you a REAL relationship. It is not really that scary, simply say good bye to your fantasy and start living life… just like the man you are obsessing about. He lives HIS LIFE. Do you??
Projecting your own feelings onto them. You want him to feel what you feel and even if he does not reciprocate as expected you STILL think that he feels what you feel. As for the reciprocation part? Perhaps he is shy, perhaps he is scared, perhaps he was screwed up by his ex and needs more time blah…blah…blah…
Oh, sure he is so crazy about you and cannot wait to see you… except that he never does. Or perhaps he is dying to call you… except that it never happens. Or maybe he is longing to put his arms around your waist and give you a kiss… is something that never happened and never will. Do you know why? Because he does not feel the way you do!
If he did, things would have been different. VERY different, believe me. No man on this planet has ever gone against his own will to have a woman he wanted!
Not wanting to let go. The issue here is not HIM, the issue is YOU and your obsessions. There is something broken with you. You keep staying and insist on staying in a situation where you feel constantly rejected. What should have been a one-time occurrence (the only one date) has become your long-term obsession over something that does not even exist. He lives his life (unlike you) and he is probably happy with someone else (unlike you). You feel unloved, rejected, and in pain. And because it feels like you are ‘in the relationship’ you may go as far as blaming him for this misery… like he has to do something with it.
As we can see it now, the only ‘relationship’ going on here is the relationship with your own dreams, feelings, and obsessions. As sad as it may feel, you may want to let go of these emotions. You may also want to talk to a counselor to figure out why feeling/being constantly rejected is OK with you.
Whatever category you fit in (or anything in between) I would like to encourage you to stop doing what you are doing and let
this ‘relationship’ go. I know that ‘stopping’ may feel like pulling a plug of a life support but this is the only way to feel like you are IN CONTROL. You are not a victim, you are in control and you can do it.
Stop living in your head, stop torturing yourself, stop waiting on something that will never happen, stop blaming them for your pain, stop calling, stop contacting, stop this craziness and LIVE YOUR LIFE.
YOU MAT ALSO LIKE: Articles - Relationship responsibility - Selfishness vs. Empathy, If you have been ghosted or this high quality e-Course Why He Disappeared.