Dating by the Stars: When the Zodiac Knows Him Before You Do

Somewhere, right now, a perfectly pleasant man has just mentioned that his birthday is November 8, and three women have stopped chewing.

“Scorpio.”

The word passes across the table with the gravity normally reserved for important test results. Nobody knows this man particularly well. One woman has met him twice, another has seen a photograph, and the third had not heard of him until ninety seconds ago, but this no longer seems especially relevant. The date has been established. The discussion can proceed.

Within minutes, his silence is mysterious, his confidence is intense, and something he did last Thursday has finally been explained. The man himself has contributed almost nothing to this development.

Astrology does something rather wonderful to romance: it allows people who would normally admit, quite sensibly, that they barely know someone to become unexpectedly certain about him after learning the date he arrived in the world.

Suddenly, We Think We Know Everthing

Early dating is full of annoying blank spaces. A man may seem charming, attentive and promising, but nobody yet knows how he behaves when disappointed, bored, annoyed or no longer trying quite so hard to impress.

Time will eventually tell you who he is, but astrology finds waiting terribly inefficient.

Learn his sign and suddenly a whole collection of fairly ordinary “meh” behavior begins receiving elegant celestial explanations: a distant man becomes mysterious, stubbornness turns into admirable earth-sign steadiness, indecision is simply his dual nature expressing itself, disappearing for three days means he needs space because Saturn has apparently placed him under temporary emotional renovation, emotional vagueness becomes complexity, and a man who cannot make a plan more than forty-eight hours ahead is no longer unreliable — Mercury has apparently advised against committing to Saturday too early.

Sulking becomes sensitivity, possessiveness may be rebranded as intensity, and if he answers a perfectly normal question as though you have requested access to a private vault, perhaps he is simply very guarded. By the time the zodiac has finished with him, several annoying habits have been promoted to fascinating personality traits and one mildly difficult man has somehow become a Celestial Event.

Not just any celestial event, either. Something rare, luminous and apparently worthy of careful observation, perhaps visible only once every seventy-three years beneath exceptionally favorable skies. Meanwhile, the Celestial Event himself is standing at a gas station wondering whether he selected regular or premium.

Nothing about the man has actually changed, of course. He is still the same slightly complicated human being who was putting gas in his car a moment ago; he has simply been given a much more glamorous description.

And when attraction is already involved, this sort of celestial promotion is especially welcome. If the description says he is loyal, passionate and secretly tender beneath that guarded exterior, it can feel wonderfully reassuring—even if you have known him for three weeks and his most impressive display of commitment so far is returning to the same coffee shop every morning. The evidence may still be modest, but the horoscope has excellent references.

Then Reality Objects

Of course, sooner or later, the actual man begins behaving in ways his description did not quite anticipate.

The supposedly affectionate type turns out to be rather cool. Two signs considered hopeless together get along beautifully. A magnificent astrological match produces a romance with all the electricity of two folded towels.

This might seem awkward for the theory, but astrology is wonderfully difficult to embarrass. If the description does not fit, perhaps the rising sign explains it. Maybe the exact birth time matters. Perhaps another part of the chart has not yet been properly questioned. Who knows?

Most explanations become a little nervous when the evidence refuses to cooperate; astrology, rather impressively, simply asks for more astrology.

And this, perhaps, is why astrology fits romance so beautifully. Love already makes people wonderfully imaginative. A coincidence becomes meaningful, a pattern becomes fascinating, and once several old romances turn out to share the same zodiac sign, dinner can continue for another hour on that information alone.

The fun only becomes absurd when the zodiac seems to know exactly who he is before he has had much chance to prove any of it.

Because sooner or later, every Scorpio, Leo, Gemini and Capricorn has to be played by an actual human being.

And actual human beings have never been particularly good at staying in character.