Dealing with his past

Every time you start a new relationship with a man, you cannot really expect him not to have had a personal life before he met you. This is his past, and it happened BEFORE he met you.

You may feel like you need to know EVERYTHING about his past, because knowing what he did in the past gives you sense of control and knowledge of what he could POSSIBLY do in the future (to you), and therefore by being equipped with that knowledge, you would likely be ‘prepared’.

As he keeps revealing his past, you may unconsciously start applying it to your current relationship with him, and constantly pondering what it is going to be like should ‘something like this happen between you two’. And it seems like no matter what his past is about, there is always something in it that evokes feelings of insecurity.

Now you think, if he started this relationship with you behind his ex girlfriend’s back, does it mean he will do the same thing to you? If none of his past relationships lasted more than 6 months, does it mean you are doomed too? And if he was dating other women to forget his ex, does it mean he is dating you now for only one and one reason – to forget his ex?

There is one very big reason you may feel insecure about all of his past relationships – none of them lasted forever, all of them had a start and an end, and now you feel like you are just one of those women on a string he started a relationship with... only to end it later.

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You cannot really look at it this way and here is why: every past relationship teaches you something. With every new relationship you tend to learn something new about yourself - your new likes and new dislikes, new deal breakers, and newly emerged boundaries you would rather not step over anymore. Having to go through several relationships in the past you may actually discover, by comparing him to your past boyfriends, that 1) he is one of the best boyfriends you have ever had and 2) you would not be appreciative of your current relationship so much HAD YOU NOT GONE THROUGH ALL THE PAST CRAPPY RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Guess what, this is how it works for everyone, not just women. Yes, this principle works for men too!

Now, he may or may not realize that you are that special one he has finally found and is ready to settle down with, but you absolutely cannot obsess, bug, interrogate or blame him for his past. You cannot blame someone for something they have no control over. What can he do NOW about it? You were not there back then, and he cannot change it now. Can YOU change your past? Would it feel ridiculous of him to break up over YOUR PAST?

Obsessing over his past, rather than focusing on you two in the present, is not going to do any good to your current relationship. Life goes on and moves forward, if everyone were to look back and break up over one’s past, then there would not be any present relationships.

Besides this, most men, due to their inflated ego, tend to exaggerate their past romantic escapades. He may fudge up or add some meat to one or several of his stories to make himself look good. Men hate to come across as losers, so he will twist and turn facts to make himself look like a winner in the end. The more he likes you, the more he will be prone to ‘being a bit creative’.
He wants to look like a winner in your eyes. He wants you to like him!

With this being said, I say, take his stories about his past relationships with a grain of salt. You will never know the full truth, and therefore there is no need to obsess or feel terribly insecure about it.

Also, no matter what happened in his past, there is nothing you can do about it, and therefore you're better to let it go. You do not want to do it to yourself for one and only one reason: every man has a past, and being with a man in a relationship equals to being with a man who has baggage.

Last but not least, although rare, sometimes you may find that the baggage, your new boyfriend comes with, is so incredibly heavy and toxic to deal with, that liberation and freeing yourself from it seems like the only option you may have. In this case, do not go against yourself and instead, do what feels comfortable for you. You do not want to deal with something that is being rejected on a gut level. By walking away from something toxic, that puts you constantly off balance, you will acquire a sense of peace and calmness - the two key ingredients needed to sustain and support your emotional well being.

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