Why your boyfriend will never become your girlfriend
If you have at least one girlfriend, then there is a big chance that you are emotionally close to her. If, for example, you are currently dating, then you probably talk about your disastrous dating experiences; and if you have a boyfriend or are married then you probably talk about your relationship issues, share your secrets, ask her opinion, and consult on ‘what to do’. You confide with each other, and I would think that you are probably long term friends. That’s how it works with us – women.
And what about men? Can your boyfriend become your ‘girlfriend’ too?
Ideally, we would like to share these things with boyfriends too but unfortunately, it just does not work this way. And since it doesn’t, many women mistakenly think that since their boyfriends won’t talk about feelings it means they do not care and are not in love.
If your girlfriend were to stop sharing, you would feel hurt and betrayed. In your eyes, the entire relationship would be in jeopardy. If there is no talking, no sharing and confiding, then what else is left?? That is why when our boyfriends won’t talk as much and won’t share we feel like it is over. We feel neglected, betrayed, unloved, scared and INSECURE. We WANT them to say ‘I love you’ today (even though we heard them saying it yesterday), we fish for extra-compliments, we want to be special and attended to at all times. In essence, whether we realize it or not, we expect the same level of security and connection with our boyfriends as we do with our girlfriends.
But is it possible??
Well, to some degree yes. Men are humans too, you know. Men have feelings, and they do get angry, upset, and insecure too. But just like we – the girls- are handicapped at repairing car engines, men are handicapped at expressing their feelings. Car engines are so complicated, and I personally think they look scary and ugly. It is just not my cup of tea! And I bet it is not yours either. Image if we were asked to dive into its mechanics and try to figure out what’s wrong. Omg, are you kidding me??
That’s what our boyfriends feel when we overwhelm them with emotions. I do not know what their problem is, but that’s the way they are. And if you push further? Yep, they will SHUT DOWN. They will shut-down in self-defense because it feels too intense for them.
When they shut down we feel hurt and betrayed. It is like when we need them the most they become ‘invisible’ and ‘deaf’. They seem cruel and as someone who left us alone at such a difficult time. They won’t discuss, they will ridicule, they will ask ‘to calm dawn’ and ‘to get over it’. They behave like incapable idiots (in our eyes) who think they ‘know better’.
And the funny thing is?? Should something stressful happen in THEIR life, they won’t mind unloading it on you. They know you are a woman, and they know you are capable of understanding, compassion, and patience. They will wheel in their emotional garbage to your front yard, will unload it, and then will expect you to deal with it.
The fundamental difference of ‘emotional garbage’ tolerance between males and females lies in the way it gets ‘presented’ (aka the unload dose)
Generally, women have much higher tolerance than men. When presented with a lot of emotional drama, men break down (and shut down) much faster and much easier than women do. If, for example, you take an average man and start unloading on him everything you unload onto your trusted girlfriend, there is a high chance that he will break down beyond repair. You know, it’s like that fragile piece of jewelry that breaks under the slightest pressure. It’s like ooops and it’s gone.
You need to accept that your boyfriend - no matter how loving - will never become like your girlfriend. Once it is clear, you need to understand also that you may never get ALL the understanding (or compassion) you need to feel totally secure in the relationship. The trick of getting at least some understanding (or compassion) from him is to limit the amount of emotional drama you expose him to. If you make it simple, to the point and short he WILL listen. He will advise, he will express compassion and say ‘sorry’, and he will try to help. Just take what he is capable of giving and do not overwhelm him, otherwise he will break and shut down.
How I see it is that as long as your boyfriend is open to listening it is a good sign. Let him know your expectations: do you need his opinion? do you need him to ‘just’ listen’ or are you seeking advice? If he cares and if he loves you he will engage and will try to help.
It is the one who REFUSES to listen (no matter what) who you should be worried about. If he is the one who SHUTS YOU DOWN every time you need to talk, then you may want to shut down your relationship and flush him from your life for good.