When he thinks you are his property
Have you ever received a call from your ex who you broke up with X years ago? Or, perhaps you have been broken up for over a decade? Have you ever been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable commitment phobic who kept blowing hot and cold, backing off when you chase him and running back when someone else was sniffing around as there was a danger of losing you?
They call, they show up in your life unexpectedly, promise you the moon and the stars, ask ‘how your day was’ and ‘how you are feeling’, give that extra attention and love you were sooo craving back then when you were together, and promise to change and to make things ‘right'.
Then you go ahead and take them back, believing that this time will be different. They had the time to think and they had probably realized the meaning of what you both had together.
You take them back only to find yourself frustrated and disappointed again weeks or months later. After a certain period of time they take off and disappear (or revert to that original jerky behavior they have always exhibited) knowing that you still care and you still want to be with them.
They think they have this exclusive right to roll back into your life at any time they please and say or do whatever they want. They are surely not bothered with what you want, the status of your mind and whether you are even open to a possibility of giving them the time of your day. And the worse you were treated, the more you had to put up with, the more you had to turn yourself into a pretzel, the more entitled they feel.
They feel entitled and they do not expect you to say ‘no’, they expect the same admiration, acceptance, and unconditional love they so d*mn got used to.
Why would they do that? It is an ego stroke. It is an ego massage. It is a validation tool. It is about control.
They do not want you. They are looking for an ego boost, vali-dation, and a proof of their own value. They want to feel important, admired, and special. In essence, it is all about THEM and how it makes THEM feel.
It does not even matter how badly they treated you or how un-important the relationship was (for them), they will still use it as a validation tool to boost their confidence and self-esteem. They may even go as far as use their entire collection of exes. How can you be so sure you are the only one they are calling??
It is about control also. They think that if they had you – if only once – you became their property. They do not want it but they do not want anybody else to have it either. They do not want you but they still want to make sure you want them. Your ‘wanting them‘ gives them sense of reassurance and comfort. They know everything is under control and should something uncomfortable happen in their life they will know where to go and who to call to get that extra-boost and extra-loving.
They see you as their property which they do not value. Because if they were valuing you, they would have already stepped up and had a full time relationship with you.
They have this delusional belief that their unexpected showing up has a power to cross out your current relationship(s) and they are holding this ultimate right to budge into your personal life with a status of #1 priority. But at the end of the day, there will still be no love, no care, and no commitment.
They only want you when you do not want them (or someone else wants you). When it happens they lose the sense of control and turn into a panic mode. They do not want you to go, they want you to stay, and they want you ‘to be there’. They may turn into the ‘promising the moon and the stars’ mode again to only back off once it feels ‘normal’ again.
THEY BELIEVE THAT:
~ You have been waiting on them for years
~ They are the best thing that ever happened to you
~ You have never gotten over them
~ You forgave them and they deserve another chance
~ They are welcome into your life no matter the current circumstances or who you are with
~ No one has ever been better than them
~ You will love them for the rest of your life
~ They have the right to come and go. They think that no matter for how long they were gone you would still be there to pick up where you left off
~ You will sleep with them
~ They have an easy access to you and to your life
They have this delusion that even though they were giving you occasional tiny gifts or sprinkling you with occasional attention they were a generous spoiling you "Santa Claus" and you were swimming in a warm ocean of unconditional love.
~ You feel flattered that they are ‘still thinking of you’. Unfortunately, the more desperate you were for their love the harder it will be to resist their attempts to contact you
~ If you still love them then their contacting you gives you hope that something ‘may work out one day’
~ Even if you are NOT in a relationship anymore it seems like they still have this power to mess with your head and /or sabotage your current relationship(s)
~ If you are dating someone else then their calling is interfering with your emotional availability
~ As long as they are in the picture, you cannot fully ‘forget and move on’. It is like a cliff hanger
~ Even if you have zero feelings for them, their occasional calling (aka ATTENTION) is something that can be very hard to say ‘no’ to. We all love attention, don’t we? Even animals do!
I say tell them ‘NO’ because you are not some forgotten or misplaced item they keep coming back to, you are not their reminder of how wonderful they are, and you are certainly not the validating tool to boost their ego.
Tell them ‘NO’ because they do not and will never treat you right. Succumbing to their charms is to make them confident and secure enough to believe that they still have a grip on you and your life.
Tell them ‘NO’ because you have the power to do so. Do not give them all the power and do not make it look like you have none. Remember, it is not about love, it is about control.
Tell them ‘NO’ because they already had their chance to make things right… and they didn’t. They failed to give you what you need and they failed to love you properly. They failed to deliver and they are a loser.
You are not a property and no one owns you!