When he says he doesn’t want a relationship, but won’t leave you alone
Are you in a situation with a man, who has explicitly stated that he doesn’t want a relationship, but at the same time keeps calling, talking, seeing, and sleeping WITH YOU? And now, because of his saying one thing but doing the other, you’re wondering whether you are missing something or are unable to see what you are supposed to see: ‘If he says he doesn’t want a
relationship then why is he behaving like he is IN a relationship?’, ‘If he doesn’t want a relationship then why does he contact me??’, ‘If he doesn’t want a relationship now, will he want it later?’, 'He acts like my boyfriend but doesn’t want a relationship – what in the world is that supposed to mean??’
The more you think about it, the harder it is to reconcile it in your head, and the longer you dwell on it, the more confused you feel.
Let me tell you this: you are not crazy and you are confused for all the right reasons. If, for example, someone were pointing at a red color trying to convince you it is blue, what would you think of them? Would you think they are manipulative? Or maybe they are a con artist? Something else??
Being with such a man is like living in a world of contradictions. You either agree that red is blue and pretend to be happy about it, or get your head out of the clouds and call things for the things they are!
Before we proceed with the ‘why he does what he does’ and ‘what it all means’ let me ask you this: you have been working this all up wondering
why he is still with you and why he is staying, but if you DO know that he doesn't want a relationship, then why are YOU still with him and why are YOU staying?
I know you are confused and are not feeling happy, but you are making it all look like he is doing it all to you and you have no say in it. You are a participating party here and you have options too! In other words, if he points at red and says it is blue you do not have to agree!
He 'does it all to you’ and won't leave you alone because:
~ It is convenient for him. He has already told you that he doesn’t want a relationship and since you are still with him, he figured you are OK with the ‘arrangement’. He thinks you are both on the same page now.
~ Since you are not in a relationship he is free to do whatever he pleases. It includes dating around as well.
~ His ‘I do not want a relationship’ means ‘I am going to milk the situation as long as she lets me’. In plain English – he will use you for sex, for companionship, for an ego boost, for an ego massage, to forget his ex, to make his ex jealous, for money, etc.
~ And last but not least - he does it all (to you) because you let him.
I understand that if not for your hope, you would not talk/meet/sleep with this man. Who likes to be used? Deep down you are nursing this hope that one day something will change and things between you two will become official. You think that if he doesn’t want a relationship now, maybe he will want one later?
Unfortunately this is not what is going to happen and the example below will demonstrate EXACTLY why.
Think of some guy you are not crazy about wanting to be your boyfriend. In his words, if you were to become his girlfriend, he would treat you to nice dinners, buy fashionable clothes, help with paying bills, and pay for exotic vacations.
You like what you hear and you love the benefits but the problem is… you do not like the guy enough to commit to becoming his girlfriend.
So, if you are a MEAN person (just like your current man you are involved with), you will take the benefits on condition that you are ‘not ready to become his girlfriend’.
What happens next will determine the kind of a guy you are dealing with: 1) his saying ‘no’ and walking out on you will mean he is a quality man with standards. Wouldn’t you respect him more after this? 2) his ‘yes’ will immediately downgrade him to the kind of a guy you would definitely not want to be in a relationship with.
His ‘yes’ would mean he is OK with being used and demonstrates how desperate he is. I think you would agree that it is virtually impossible to feel attraction towards someone who is this desperate. His ‘yes’ would also mean that he is OK with a second class treatment – his self-esteem is so low, he does not think he can have a woman on healthier, better terms.
And now things are about to become interesting. You are just about to find out why your man ‘does what he does’ and how you are being perceived in the process. Are you ready for THE UGLY TRUTH?
Back to our imaginary guy. The reason behind his ‘yes’ was about his hope that one day you would ‘change your mind’ and become his girlfriend. He thought that if you like what he has to offer, then you would eventually like him too… which would lead to things becoming ‘official’.
What is going to happen, however, is that you, on the other hand, will just keep using him for the benefits, may feel sorry for him in the process, and keep producing periodical, elaborate excuses as to why ‘you cannot be his girlfriend'.
DO YOU SEE HOW IT WORKS NOW? By giving benefits you have devalued yourself to the point where there is no way he would want you to become his girlfriend. He sees you in a different light now and it will not change. He is a mean person and he is shamelessly using you. He knows you have feelings for him and he is taking advantage of it.
Are you sure you want to be that pathetic and desperate person who is holding on to someone who does not value you enough to call his girlfriend?? I suggest that you pick up the remaining shreds of self-respect you have left and walk away from this ‘relationship’ completely. You deserve so much better than this!
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