What to do when he becomes distant
Whether he is your new boyfriend or is someone you have known for months, there is one issue that is almost guaranteed to happen in your relationship – his distancing from you.
I know the feeling, trust me. And I know how hard to almost impossible it is to stay sane and in control. On one hand, you do not want to make a fool of yourself by giving into panic, but on the other – you may still feel like a fool… by trying very hard to stay in control and do nothing.
But should you actually do something about him being distant? Are there some special remedies or tricks? And if so, what are they?
Let us start with what you should NOT do first when he becomes distant. You may think that doing these things will help with anxiety and bring some clarity but, unfortunately, it only make you feel worse. Giving into your emotions is like setting up a trap. Once you are in it, you won’t be able to get out. I say, do not start this game, because you won’t win.
When he becomes distant:
Do not ask him ‘what is wrong’. You see, if he really wanted to talk to you about ‘what is wrong’ or needed your input he would have already done so. Him not talking to you about ‘being distant’ means he wants to deal with the ‘whatever the hell reason is’ on his own.
I know it hurts. You love him and you want to be helpful, but he won’t let you in. It’s like he does not trust you enough to share what is happening and/or is afraid to tell what is going on.
Sure, you COULD try asking ‘what is wrong’. I say, try and see what happens. You will get stuck in a LOOP (see below) and end up feeling miserable.
This is an indefinite, painful loop that has no winning exists. The more you push, the harder they push back, and the worse you feel.
You may rightfully wonder – what’s the big deal? Why not to share??
I think, this is his way of PMS-ing. He is all over his drama, totally into it, won’t talk to anyone, and is extremely moody. You know, it’s like that scared caged wild animal that won’t let you approach and touch him. It’s a danger zone, proceed at your own risk!
Sometimes, when it is not so cloudy and stormy, and you push hard enough, they WILL let you in, but unfortunately, it still won’t help.
Him – “ I have a problem at work, my boss said that blah-blah-blah… and now I am in danger of losing blah-blah-blah… and so I have to blah-blah-blah .. etc”
You – “ Hmmm, now, that the truth is out, how am I supposed to trust him? I cannot believe he chose to not talk to me about it. Relationships are about sharing and understanding, why won’t he do that then? Is there something wrong with the relationship? Does he think I cannot be trusted with his issues? Why would he hold back like this?? Why would I have to push to find out the truth? Why won’t he share it freely? It really hurts.“
As you can see now, asking ‘what is wrong’ just doesn’t work. No matter the response, the result is the same – anxiety, misery, and pain.
Here is what you SHOULD DO when he becomes distant (aka PMS-ing).
The experience of many many upset women shows, that the only approach that works is to simply let it ride. Once he is done with whatever the hell he is preoccupied with, he will be back. Or he won’t be.
I know how scary it sounds! It’s like your relationship is heading towards the cliff and you are supposed to sit, watch, and do nothing. You see it as an ‘emergency’ and feel like something needs to be done to stop the catastrophe. You do not want your relationship To End.
The true reality is such that their distancing does not always mean they are leaving. As a matter of fact, if you were to talk to some of your experienced girlfriends, they would all tell you that such things ‘happen all the time’.
Men prefer to focus on one thing at a time, and if that one thing consumes too much energy, they vanish from our horizon. As this happens, it is important to keep in mind that they do not really mean ‘to disappear’ on you. Unlike women, they are just not capable of multitasking.
While they are ‘gone’ i.e. taking a break from your relationship, I suggest you to take a break too. Take a break and get some perspective. It is always easier to see the things this way. Take a look at him, his way of treating you, and the status of your relationship. Decide FOR YOURSELF if this is what you want.
As a guidance: why tolerate a so-so boyfriend who makes things even worse by periodic emotional disappearings? On the other hand, if he treats you like a Princess and everything is great, then perhaps his periodic distancing should be forgiven.
And what if he does not come back? It means that he is not a man enough to tell the truth. Some men do this – they chicken out from a relationship via a backdoor and hope never to be noticed. They disappear for good, and leave nothing but a bunch of bogus and pathetic excuses (and LIES) behind them. Forget those toxic excuses, put them in garbage, and start living your new life TODAY.
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