What stands behind dating
I would like to open your eyes to something that you have never thought about or had no idea existed. This knowledge will help you to understand the behavior and emotions of men (and women as well) when dating or in a relationship. I would also like to point out that this knowledge is universal - no matter what country you are living in, your culture, status or age -
this knowledge is applicable to every human being regardless of their gender.
Let me start with this example: let's say you got invited to some sort of a non-mandatory gathering. After receiving an invitation what would your first thoughts be? I cannot possible come up with ALL the responses but I would like to make a bet that 99.99% of everyone's responses would include the word 'I' and perhaps some 'ME' added into the mix.
Here are the typical answers: 'I am wondering if I should go', ' If I were to go, would I like it or would it be a waste of MY time?', ' If I do not go, would there be any consequences for ME?', 'I am wondering who else is going to be there? Will I like their company enough to enjoy the party?', 'I do not feel like going, I have other things to do that are higher on MY priority list'.
Have you noticed something? If not, then let me show you what is happening here: when a human being is presented with an option, he or she will instinctively (and selfishly) ponder 'what's in it for ME?'
You really do not think about the party's host having to go through all the troubles of arranging the event - calling caterers and paying for their service, making a room or the place ready, sending out invitations, etc. It is nice to be appreciative of someone else's efforts, but this is not how a person thinks when one gets that invitation in the mail. Let me repeat again - whether this is some sort of invitation or just anything else possible that could happen in one's life (changing jobs, starting a business, a purchase of some sort, relocation etc) the first thing that humans have on their mind is this - 'WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?'
Now, let me ask you this: why do you think dating or relationshipsshould be any different? Actually, these could be the areas where human's selfishness could be manifested in its highest degree possible!
You see, when you are looking to date or start a relationship with someone, the first thing that comes to your mind is this: 'will I get what I NEED (or want) from this man and the relationship?'. In other words, your mind goes through a mental check of important 'must haves' your potential suitor or a relationship should possess, and as soon as your inner (read: selfish) self says 'yes', you feel confident with moving forward. Moving forward means to keep dating the man or staying in the relationship as long as you keep feeling that it is beneficial TO YOU.
You certainly do not think the other way around that much i.e: 'We are in a relationship now, what is in it for HIM?' or 'What is it that keeps HIM motivated to stay in this relationship?'
Believe me, you are not the one who has a list of criteria, the other party - your man - has his own 'must haves' and motivators to be with you and more importantly, to stay (with you) as well.
As long as both parties keep mutually satisfying (quite often on very unconscious level) each other's selfish needs and wants, they stand a chance of staying together for as long as this condition lasts. Should this balance change, the relationship may suffer to the point of deterioration and breaking up.
It is worth mentioning also that those 'wants, needs, and must haves' are very different and very individual for each person.
Let's talk more about those 'wants, needs, and must haves' or simply benefits each party is looking to receive to stay in a relationship, AND what happens when the supply of those benefits diminishes or gets cut off completely.
To make the point come across more clearly and ensure you fully understand the phenomenon, let us take a look at a simplified, but very probable situation, and apply all the described knowledge above to it: long distance relationships.
First of all - these kind of relationships even though exist - are not for everyone. So, the rest of those men and women, who do get involved in such relationships - WHAT ARE THEY GETTING FROM IT??? WHAT'S IN IT FOR THEM?? Ever wondered what keeps them going and so motivated (to continue to keep going)? I'll give you a hint: it is the mutual sati-sfaction of each other's party's pure selfish needs what keeps them both going.
There could be numerous reasons for this relationship lasting for months, and even years, but let's assume that the first party here - THE LADY - is loving the relationship because he satisfies her need for attention and feeling special. His showering with loving calls, presents and constant attention makes her feel special and on a deep level very satisfied with what she is receiving from him. To refuse such a beautiful thing would be insane so, she keeps going.
The other party is -THE MAN - who is very happy with the fact, that he has a lady in his life to talk to, but due to certain life circumstances (busy at work, frequent travel, married(?), etc) is not able to dedicate himself fully to a full time relationship (going out, spending days, evening or weekends together etc). He enjoys the woman, the space, and the freedom HE NEEDS TO STAY HAPPY with the relationship. So, he keeps going too.
Provided their needs and wants stay the same, this sort of arrangement could go on forever. But of course, nothing lasts forever, relationships and feelings are fluid, and what was satisfying us yesterday may not be making us happy today. The minute one party starts having other needs is the moment when the dating relationship experiences a shift.
Whether this is going to be a positive or negative shift depends on the other party's willingness to adjust and accommodate, and this willingness to accommodate will have a direct relationship to the original 'what is in it for me' question. If the other party decides that 'there is nothing in it for me' then there is a high chance the relationship will suffer.
Let's continue with the above example. Let's say after
several months or years of being separated by the distance THE LADY expresses her will to become a couple and live together. She is not satisfied with the current arrangement anymore. In order to feel special and loved she needs more.
THE MAN, on the other hand, is not ready for such a step.There could be a million reasons why he is not ready, but the point of this is the following - if he refuses to go along (refuses to satisfy her need to feel special and loved) there is a 99.99% chance that such a relationship will end. He is not willing to sacrifice because his primary need for space and freedom (that he was getting satisfied through this relationship so far) would be violated. This obvious mismatch in needs creates conflict and if there are no other 'wants' on the list to compensate this mismatch, the relationship will lose its purpose and will cease to exist.
This phenomenon is especially easily observed during the early stages of dating: if two people meet but have totally different goals and agendas (read: needs) the relationship will not last. This is when you usually hear them saying after a failed (dating) relationship - 'We were looking for different things' or 'It was not what I was looking for', or even worse 'I was not ready for THAT kind of a relationship'.
To wrap this article up, as a bonus suggestion, I would like to say the following: if you want to get your way with a man, try to do the asking in a manner that shows that by succumbing to your request, IT WILL BENEFIT HIM AS WELL.
RECOMMENDED READING: Book (UK - click here ) Understanding Men: Know What He's Really Thinking, Show Him You're The One, Why Men Pull Away, Why He's Afraid To Commit & How To Read Him Like A Book (Relationship and Dating Advice for Women 1)