The No Contact rule - how to stay strong

The No Contact rule (if you stick with it) is a good way to get over your past relationship and to move on completely.

Sticking to the No Contact and focusing on YOU - is the best thing you can possibly do for yourself after the unhappy relationship ends.

The pitfalls of the No Contact rule are such that right after the breakup and ceasing of communication you may initially feel better… until the next day, a week, or a month when it hits you.

It will hit you hard because all of a sudden you will come to the sobering realization that the beautiful dreams you had, the hopes you were nursing, the expectations and other amazing things you believed you could have had should you have stayed in the relationship have now vanished into the Never-land and got buried under the mountain of teary farewells and painful goodbyes forever. Is it forever – you ask?? This is it, isn’t it? Is this The End?

Realizing that this is The End and trying to make an effort to move forward, rather than looking back, is going to be the hardest part.

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Depending on your attitude, the No Contact rule could be seen as something that is either almost impossible to pull off or as just something you could live through… by giving yourself a chance to stick with it.

Let us talk about what makes it so hard to stick with the rule and how to stay strong nevertheless.

As you keep thinking about your past relationship and all the expectations, plans, and hopes you had in it, it is hard to come to terms that this part of you, that existed up to the day of the breakup, has to suddenly disappear too. We do not want to give up easily on something that we have been holding onto for so long, especially if this something was making us happy.

As a result of this, going through the No Contact period may feel like, along with the crashed dreams and hopes for the future, we are trying to reject a big part of ourselves too. This is the reason why most of the No Contact attempts fail.

People do not like giving away something that feels precious to them. Relationships, no matter how bad, fall under this category. They penetrate us on such a deep physical and emotional level, that removing them from our lives is like tearing our inner core apart and letting it die, piece by piece. Who wants to go through this nightmare, or even worse – to induce the dreaded feeling upon themselves?

And now you are looking at the calendar, counting the days that went by without talking to him, and wondering whether you did the right thing. You feel sad, hurt, depressed, lonely, and hopeless; you also feel like you would feel so much better RIGHT NOW should you have stayed in the relationship. So, you make a contact, or maybe he does... and then the addictive, hurtful cycle begins.

Contacting your ex in hopes to start feeling better will get you into the trap that will make you feel worse, not better. Here is what is going to happen: You (or him) make contact ⇒ you become hopeful ⇒ you meet, chat, try to get back together, etc. ⇒ since the relationship is still broken you realize, once again, that it is not working out ⇒ you (or him) make another decision to break up ⇒ you feel angry, lonely and hurt... looking to talk to him to feel better ⇒ you (or him) make contact ⇒ you become hopeful ⇒ the cycle will continue in exactly the same manner until you make a conscious effort to break the cycle by sticking to the No Contact rule.

Recognizing the trap and not getting yourself into the hurtful cycle is a great way to stick with the NC rule effectively and to remain strong no matter how tempting.

You also need to recognize that reaching out to someone else to feel happier is not the right way to become happy. You should not rely on other people to make you feel complete, content or fulfilled. Your happiness cannot and should not rely on what he (or someone else) does, thinks of feels about you. You cannot depend on your ex to feel happy!

What you may find to be extremely helpful is the shifting of your focus from HIM onto YOU. You know yourself better than anyone else, and so you know what makes you happy and fulfilled.

Pampering and treating yourself in a loving, caring manner will help you realize that YES, you can feel happy WITHOUT him, and therefore the need to contact him for the purpose of ‘feeling better’ should eventually disappear. The more your love yourself, the less outside sources (i.e. your ex) will be required to ‘fill you up’ and ‘make you happy’.

The attitude here is everything. And in order to survive the No Contact period and remain strong you will need the right kind of attitude. Understanding your emotions during this difficult time AND not acting upon them will get you where you want to be.

You really need to give yourself a chance to go through this emotional roller coaster, confusion, and inner struggles between ‘what you feel like doing’ vs. ‘what should be done instead’. Just give yourself a chance and let the messy emotions run their course. As the saying goes: nothing lasts forever.

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