How to break up with no regrets
Have you ever felt like you wanted to end a relationship but at the same time were not sure about it? You were afraid that if you were to ‘happily’ break up with them one day, a flood of regrets would catch up with you later. It is like you would
like to be without them, but are afraid that you might not be able to…
You are not alone. Many people do not know how to break up, and after that – to move on.
We all know the theory though - do not do it over sms, but rather meet in person. Say it as it is and leave. EASY TO SAY! Besides, how many people have the courage to pull off something like this? Stating your case and leaving is not equal to turning off a TV. There are FEELINGS involved which means just turning a switch off and hoping for everything to go away in an instant is a very wrong assumption to make.
If you are contemplating a breakup, then the very first thing you need to be aware of is the ‘before and after’ phenomenon. You see, breakups are very sneaky creatures – your feelings before breaking up may not be the same as AFTER the breakup takes place. Those ‘after’ feelings can be incredibly painful and shocking, so you need to be aware and prepared for this.
As an example, just browse the internet and do a search on breakups.
You cannot help but notice how many agonized, missing their exes people begging to know how to get their exes back. What were they thinking BEFORE leaving the relationship? What do they see now that was invisible back then? Are they thinking clearly??
So, how do you go about this whole breaking up thing? How do you make SURE you will not make a fool of yourself by breaking up with them one day to only beg to take you back the other? Here is a simple test: if you have doubts about breaking up then DON'T. As you keep reading this article you will understand why. You want to break up only and only when you are 100% sure.
Let's take a closer look at breakups and the dynamics of emotions and feelings associated with them. You want to be familiar with all of them. You want to know what to expect and you want to be prepared.
~ Before breaking up
No doubt you have been thinking about breaking up for quite some time now. Whether you are aware of it or not, thinking about breaking up creates emotional distance between two people. People do not come to the realization of breaking up overnight, it is a slowly growing process that takes some time to happen.
Thinking about breaking up gives us a sense of control. We feel like we have this power (over him and our relationship with him) and call all the shots. Thinking about breaking up means 1) envisioning a future without someone we cannot stand anymore 2) having this great sense of relief, and perhaps a sense of revenge, too!
Here is another simple test: IMAGINE BEING BROKEN UP ALREADY. How does it make you feel? Feeling relieved means you are making a right choice, feeling conflicted means it is not a right time to break up.
~ Shortly after a breakup
As one old saying goes: you do not know what you have until you do not have it anymore.
Remember me mentioning how breakups are sneaky creatures? This is when you are going to find out EVERYTHING. Brace yourself, because it is not going to be pretty.
Right after a breakup, or weeks, or even months later, it will sneak up on you – you may start doubting your own decision. The scary part of it is that no matter how horrible and abusive your past relationship was, no matter how unhappy and unsatisfied you felt, there will ALWAYS BE SOMETHING GOOD to remember. That little, teeny-tiny good you had
together will start swelling to a size of enormous proportions, triggering that painfully nagging feeling in your gut about the legitimacy of the breakup.
And what if your past relationship was just so-so? Well, then it will hit you even harder! This is because you will have so much more good stuff to remember and so many more reasons to feel nostalgic about it!
It is so easy to remember the good and forget all the bad… the kind of bad that prompted youto break up in the first place. So, as a useful hint here – please write down all the reasons for wanting to breakup with them PLUS descriptions of all the negative feelings associated with those reasons. Make sure to be descriptive about those feelings! Why? You will need these notes should you forget about the misery you were stuck in, or when you feel like an emotional yo-yo after the breakup.
Once you break up with him you will not be in control of him anymore. He will be free to do what he wants to do, and will have a right to look forward towards a brighter future (without you) too. It is so easy not to think about it before breaking up because all you could focus and think about at that time was you and you only.
For many ladies, this one single realization might come as a shock – ‘Is he free to date others now?’, ‘I cannot imagine him being someone else’s boyfriend’, or even worse - ‘Does it mean he is gone forever?.. I do not think I am ready for this!’
These are very scary thoughts to have. This is when a 180 degree change takes place and many shift from ‘how to break up’ to ‘how to get my ex back’ dilemma.
So, is there any way to deal with this post breakup emotional mess? How do you stay balanced and how do you move on?
~ Post breakup – what to expect
Even if it was the unhappiest, the most abusive, and the worst relationship you have ever had, you WILL still feel an urge to get back together.
The reason for this happening is the simple reflex every human being has. This reflex is about gravitation (quite often - unconscious) towards familiar places, people, patterns, events, etc. Familiar means ‘a cozy comfort zone’, therefore your longing for your ex is nothing more than a simple reflex pushing you back into the situation you came from originally. Please expect it to happen, but do not give in into this feeling. Keep reminding yourself that it is just an impulse, and just a reflex.
Unless something new occurs in your life to replace that old comfort zone (a new boyfriend?), you will be having periodical urges to revisit your unsatisfactory, yet oh so familiar past. As your life goes on, new events, impressions, feelings, and experiences will start taking place. They will eventually push further and further back everything that happened last month, last week or today. As the new "unfamiliar" becomes "familiar", and eventually your new comfort zone, you will feel less and less desire to revisit your past and an urge to give into it.
If you make the mistake of getting back together again, please understand that you are just wasting your time. For a broken relationship to work it takes a huge amount of desire and effort on the part of both of you to work on the relationship's issues. Many issues are simply non-workable because people do not change.
For example: he was probably not happy about certain aspects of you as an individual, and if you know what they were ARE YOU WILLING to change some of your own personality traits, habits, attitude, expectations, wardrobe, likes and dislikes, friends or lifestyle to accommodate his wishes to make the relationship work? The same goes the other way: if there was something about him you wish were different, do you truly believe he would change to make the both of you more compatible? I do not think so! The reason you broke up is because YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE!
You do not want to be in a relationship where the only way to make it work is by not being who you are. Friendships and relationships that require denial of your own self are unhealthy and terribly wrong. So, when it comes to breaking up with no regrets, I suggest you to ask your self this question: do I have to alter myself (habits, emotional makeup, believes, expectations, standards, friends, the way I dress, etc) or give up other important things to make this relationship work?? If the answer is 'yes' then you have got your answer - you are in a wrong relationship that cannot be sustained long term. You need to break up and find
someone more compatible, someone who you can be YOURSELF with and feel comfortable with in the long term.
Something to remember: never have regrets about leaving something that is wrong for you.
You may like my empowering eBook: When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself Push that unhappy relationship of yours over the cliff AND feel good about it!