Do not fall in love with the 'beginning'
I say, do not fall in love with the 'beginning’ of a new relationship, because if you do, you will end up chasing after a vanishing mirage.
Somehow many people assume that the very beginning of new relationships is nothing but a TEMPLATE of what that relationship will be like for many years to come. They remember the feelings, the hype, the adrenaline, the anxiety, the attention, the thoughts, different sensations, and the words they heard and they think it will last for an indefinite period of time.
If you are not new to dating then you probably know already that, unfortunately, the beginnings should not be taken seriously and they are certainly not a TEMPLATE of a future relationship.
Those who do the chasing put on overdrive and go out of their ways to make things ‘special’. They are not a bad person, it is just their way of getting you interested. They go out of their ways to impress you, they behave and say things they do not usually do and so, in essence – even though it’s unintentional on their part – they misrepresent them-selves.
~ Being naturally a slob they may put on extra effort to appear neat
~ If they are not doing well financially and barely make ends meet they may borrow from friends or take a loan to impress you with luxury dinners and vacations
~ They make an effort to look and smell good for you: they use hair coloring to cover grey hair, they wear perfume, and buy new clothes.
Falling in love with them (and the new relationship) at this point is like buying a property without a proper check. Think of a shiny car with a luxurious interior… falling apart after the first 10,000 miles, or think of a beautiful house with a leaking basement. You want to know these things BEFORE investing and so the same logic applies to people and relationships.
We want the best for us and naturally we are supposed to be cautious. Falling for someone in the very beginning is equal to disregarding of signs and getting off the rails. You WILL be crushed and burned and there will be no one to blame but you.
Eventually, there WILL BE a time when they:
~ Won’t call as often as they used to
~ Won’t share their day
~ Stop covering gray hair and stop wearing cologne
~ Let themselves go and become the slob they have always been
~ Won’t go out and/or spend as much
~ Stop being attentive
And, as soon as it happens we PANIC and feel miserable. We think that we did something to make them behave ‘like this’. We think it is our fault they degraded to such a point, and we believe we can reverse time and make things ‘right’, just the way they used to be. We had hopes, dreams, and we had plans – something we are not ready to say ‘good-bye’ to.
As this happens, instead of focusing on the ‘here and now’, we cling to an unhappy relationship instead on the premises of what had happened a long time ago – the shiny beginning with an expiration date. We remember how it felt back then and we hope to feel like this again. We may go into overdrive to recapture ‘the beginning’ or we may feel sad, disappointed, and unloved.
Their changing so drastically was not what we expected. We wonder what was real and what was not, what to believe and what to disregard. Did they mean what they said back then? If they DID, then how come they won’t say it again? And if they DID NOT does it mean they lied?
Falling in love with the beginning = falling in love with our own fantasies.
Focusing on ‘the beginning’ means focusing on the past which usually leads to ignoring the present.
We have no power over what happened, but we do have power over what happens today and tomorrow. Ignoring the uncomfortable present – something that may require our full attention right now – and hoping for ‘the beginning’ to come back instead is a sure way to never get our ‘happy ending’. The ‘happy beginnings’ do not lead to ‘happy endings’, it is our attention to the ‘here and now’ that is important. Ignoring the uncomfortable present may very well lead to ‘the great beginning’ becoming ‘the end’.
On a positive note – we cannot really expect for ‘the beginning’ phase to last indefinitely. As a new relationship evolves, so do we AND the person we are with. We do let our guards down and we may have no need to walk on eggshells, we become
more ‘ourselves’ with them and so do they. This is the way we LEARN and GET TO KNOW the other person. There is no other way to know what they are like and what type of a relationship they have to offer. And actually, it is a good thing!
I say, let us forget about the 'beginning’ and get to know them on a real level. We may like what we discover or we may not, but the point is that we have the ability to change and address everything that needs to be addressed in the ‘here and now’. Let us focus our attention on where it is most needed; the fake beginning is not coming back.