Dating anxiety and where it is coming from
We all have anxiety during dating, but there is this one type of dating anxiety that needs to be addressed pretty quickly. It is called garbage ‘self-talk’.
Garbage self-talk is the type of doom-and-gloom negative talk we do to ourselves when dating someone new. It is especially true when that someone new is truly great. Good things happen too, you know.
This negative self-talk, if not addressed, screws up your dating and relationships, produces unfounded anxiety, and may cause withdrawal from the dating scene entirely.
We were all told that it is better ‘to go with the flow’ and not to ‘think too much’; bad or good, things happen. It is all good, but what if that ‘flow’ we are trying to be so cool about takes a wrong turn? Are we supposed to follow it regardless??
When something does not seem right and we feel like we are going mental, it is better to pause for a minute (or perhaps an entire day) and ask ourselves this: Is it something that they are doing to me or is it something that I am doing to myself?
Again, dating is not about making us mental. It is about meeting new people, getting to know them better and making the right choice. If dating feels too uncomfortable or emotional, then something ELSE is going on.
In essence, dating anxiety is caused by these two main reasons:
1) our negative self-talk and/or
2) behavior of a person we are dating.
Negative self-talk. I used to have so much garbage in my head when I was younger and
stupid inexperienced. Imagining all that gathered in one big pile - there would have to be a long line of garbage trucks standing, waiting for their turn to pick it all up to remove it entirely. Phew.
That was a long time ago. Since then I have learned ‘not to indulge’ into that kind of ‘free thinking’ anymore.
Are you like that now?
You suffer from a negative self-talk ‘disorder’ if:
~ you ALWAYS assume the worst no matter the circumstances
~ you create negative, at times violent scenarios of ‘what might happen’
~ you worry that the person you are dating… is too good. You are confident that ‘it cannot be possible’ and ‘something fishy’ is going on.
~ you are sure something bad is going to happen
~ even though, things are good at the moment, you already know that they will EVENTUALLY cheat on you, scam you for money, take advantage of you, or disappear.
~ with all the misery in the world - as solid proof - you do not believe in happy endings
~ you do not understand why they are so nice to you. You think you did nothing special to deserve it or to earn such treatment. You may even think that there is something wrong with them (for treating you this nice) or they are after something
~ you are walking on eggshells, suffer form excessive self-doubts and boats of anxiety
~ you are worried they might do ‘this’ or ‘that’ to hurt you big time. As a matter of fact, you are already prepared for this to happen since it is just a matter of time before they reveal their true face and entire hell breaks loose.
~ you favorite expression is ’it is not going to work’ because 'it never does'
Think of all this garbage residing in your head with no reasons or solid grounds whatsoever of being there. You think people in mental institutions are crazy, but how can this one be sane??
There is absolutely no use for this garbage negative self-talk. In essence, it has nothing to do with reality which makes it totally meaningless. Besides, it is not just garbage, it is toxic garbage. If you let it fester, it will surely poison your real relationships for good.
~ you may be tempted to snoop through their phone to ‘make sure’ they are not cheating. They may lose trust in you or think ‘less’ of you when you get caught
~ you may act suspicious or interrogate them for no reason. Such a behavior will surely push them away
~ you may feel insecure and anxious and demand constant reassurance. Now, this one won’t last. Unbalanced relationships rarely last.
You may be addicted to dramas and soap operas, but having this much drama going on in your own head 24/7 is not fun. It is NOT entertaining. It is – pardon my French here – totally stupid to sabotage a promising relationship with toxic, self-generated thoughts and act upon them. Really really stupid! And sad. I personally saw it happen.
One can actually go truly wild with their creativity and imagination in creating unbelievably bizarre and surreal scary scenarios… waiting, waiting, and waiting (like forever) for them to take place in real life.
I say – STOP waiting, STOP thinking , and STOP the insanity. Open your eyes and see what is in front of you. Live in the present, in the here and now. Enjoy all the good and do not worry about the bad that may never happen anyway. Your negative past is your past, it does not have to repeat itself. After all, it is so much easier to live in the here and now than spending soooo much energy and time on such mind boggling garbage thinking.
For some of us it can actually be a habit. Just like with any habit, it will take some time to break it. All you have to do is to monitor your thoughts. At those times when garbage starts pouring in, simply say 'No' and close the gate. That’s it. You are the boss of those thoughts. They do not rule you, you rule them.
The behavior of a person we are dating. It is true that the behavior of others could trigger anxiety. Unlike with the instance above, their behavior is REAL and is happening in the here and now. Since it is not happening in our head we can actually observe it with our eyes.
Womanizers, serial cheaters, con artists, narcissists, commitment-phobics, semi-interested, time wasters and stringers (the ones who string women along for years but never propose), passive beta males who do not know what they want, momma’s boys (I call them pajama boys), rude and inconsiderate jerks, players, and chronic losers are the types that, no matter how hard you try, will eventually give you grief and anxiety.
It is OK to feel upset, officially pissed, and eventually be done with them. No garbage thinking necessary here (of what ‘might’ happen) because the painful reality has already happened. It is in front of your eyes, like that bright annoying neon light flickering directly into your eyes in the middle of the night when you are trying to sleep. Who the heck would tolerate such a discomfort and more importantly - for how long??
As you can see now, dating anxiety is something we have full control over. It is either our negative and toxic garbage thinking, or the behavior of the other person. In both cases, we still remain the boss and are free to make a choice. I choose sanity, piece of mind, and comfort. How about you?