Breakup boundaries

Breakup boundaries

Dear ladies, I wrote this article to help you get over your breakup and not to do something embarrassing that you will 101% guaranteed regret later!

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Please understand, that the minute he declares either through his behavior or his words that he wants out, this is the moment when you need to start focusing on you and moving on with your life. His declaring to leave the relationship means that he has checked out of it weeks or even months earlier. It happened because everything significant, that you thought had a special meaning and was holding you both together, lost its value to him.

Keeping this in mind, let’s go through the list of boundaries you may want to stick to today to avoid making embarrassing mistakes and sabotaging your moving on process later.

If he broke up with you in the past and you gave him another chance, then you'd better make sure that this chance is the last one. Does he think he is above you, and therefore entitled to dumping you every time he wishes (and expecting you to take him back)? You cannot take him back this time, because taking him back will send him a signal that he, indeed, is more special than you and therefore can run the show.

So, this time, when he is gone (again), let it be the last one. Your relationship is not a revolving door! He cannot just keep entering and exiting it every time he pleases, totally disregarding the emotional turmoil he puts you through. By exiting he has already demonstrated that the relationship (for whatever reasons) is not working for him, so do not let him ENTER it again… because he will surely EXIT it later.

Begging him to stay and demonstrating your eternal love will be nothing but a waste of your time. Remember, he has already checked out, which means he does not need your eternal love anymore.

Begging and pleading will actually result in something else – his final loss of respect for you. Now he knows he is out, and therefore cannot and will not reciprocate the love you deserve and you, nevertheless, are still begging him to stay. What does it tell him? It shows that you are so incredibly desperate for a relationship that you would rather have someone unloving by your side than being alone.

Desperation is never attractive, it evokes pity and sympathy, but never awe and admiration. Your begging to stay will make him feel sorry for you, but never to stay or love you more.

Stop all contact and avoid ‘checking on him’ to see ‘how he is doing’. Why would you do it and for what purposes?  Your talking to him after the breakup will not make him want you back. Think of your dignity and pride!

Why would you want to check on someone who does not want to be a part of your life? Why would you want to talk to someone who does not want to talk to you? Do you think that talking to him will change his mind? He threw away your relationship and everything attached to it a long time ago! In his mind this relationship is in the garbage can already; have some pride and do not force him to look into the garbage seeing you there pleading and hoping for it to be recycled.

Ignore his casual attempts to contact YOU. You will blow up the meaning and significance of those casual chit-chats out of proportion. His checking on you will make you delusional and hopeful, totally forgetting the simple fact that he was the one who rejected you.

You may obsess over his sparse contacting you and start fantasizing of getting back together, meanwhile putting your entire life ON HOLD. You do not put your life on hold for a fantasy of your own creation. You may like your fantasy, but living in it will not help you to move on.

His asking to be ‘just friends’ will not work for you right now. You are grieving the loss of a relationship and need to be left alone. His asking to be friends means that he has gone through the detachment process already (while being with you) and you, due to the nature of an abrupt and sudden breakup, had no chance of doing so. Perhaps months or years later, when you complete your detachment process, you may want to become friends... that is, if he treated you nicely.

No sleeping together after breakup! If being intimate signifies love and commitment for you, then sleeping together will make you extremely confused and hurt! Sleeping together will cloud your judgment, start building your expectations, and make the moving on process extremely hard or simply impossible.

Those intoxicating glimpses of his occasional attention may make you feel special and like you are back together again… but the fact is that you are not. Sleeping together does not mean being in a relationship, because if he wanted to have one, he would not have broken up with you in the first place. In the end you will end-up at a square one – hoping for more and being rejected all over again.

Moving on means focusing on YOU. Going through a painful breakup is not fun but it does not mean you have to neglect your health and basic needs. Take an extra effort to pamper yourself with things that give you pleasant feelings. Look after yourself, take care of yourself, spoil yourself with something incredible!

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