5 truths about breakups
Why is it that every time people break up, some of them become delusional about ‘how things (after the breakup) should be’? And, the higher the delusion level, the longer they tend to be stuck, and the longer it takes for them to move on. Some of them become even stuck for DECADES! They blame the other party for their pain, and persistently refuse to see their own contribution.
Are you one of those people? Do you feel like 'if only they did this and that’ or ‘if only they had finally admitted to whatever’ you would have finally put your breakup anxiety to rest? Do you think it is THEIR fault that YOU can’t move on?
Read the truth about breakups and please remember: it is you and you only who is in charge of how you feel. And yes, you will be the one who will have to give yourself closure.
~ Breakups hurt and take time to heal
It is OK to feel hurt, devastated, miserable, disappointed, and depressed after a breakup. When you were together they were a part of your life and they were naturally occupying a large space in your soul. And the more important they were to you, the larger the space was.
Breaking up with someone who is part of our life creates an immediate huge void that begs to be filled. We feel empty and at loss of what to do. The huge empty hole becomes the source of a constant pain, obsessions, and almost an impossible to resist desire to bring the other person back. Bringing them back would immediately fill the void, stop the pain, and make things ‘normal’.
Breakups take time to heal because it takes time to fill the void. It may seem like an impossible task at that time, but believe me it is possible. As your life goes on and new events overwrite the old ones the void will start shrinking. It will be gone one day and there will be nothing left but distant memories and a scar.
That’s how breakups work.
~ You may never get all the answers you need
It seems like if only they could answer all of your questions you would be able to move on. That’s what you think and hope for. The reality is such that
~ you may never have a chance to talk to them
~ they may answer some of your questions which in return will generate even more questions (on your part)
~ they may not be fully honest which may lead to further confusion and interrogations
~ they may decide to intentionally hurt you by saying something you do not want to hear or to know
Whether they are willing to say it all, or nothing at all, you should not look at them as someone who holds the key to your healing. You cannot rely on your ex to make you ‘feel better’. The relationship is over and everything that you think is still alive (like a million unresolved questions) needs to be let go and buried permanently. Bury it alive, because if you don’t it will bury you.
Think of your future relationship with a better man and think how great it would be if you were feeling well and healed. No one wants to date someone who is hang up on their ex. It is up to you to accept that 1) yes, you will have questions after a breakup 2) you may never get answers. Accepting these two facts will have a tremendous impact on your healing process.
~ They won’t be back. And even if they do, it USUALLY won’t work
Have you ever caught yourself thinking: ‘Perhaps dumping their sorry ass will finally teach them a lesson and make them realize what they have lost’ or ‘If I remove myself from their life they will finally realize I am The One’?
Here is what USUALLY happens: while you are sitting and waiting for them to ‘finally realize you are The One’ they get busy enjoying themselves and dating other people. In my experience it happens way more often than you think! Waiting on them to come back is like betting on seeing a ghost. You will either never see it or suffer from a very bad case of mentally painful Deja Vu experience. Why waiting on someone to give you more pain? Why inflicting something like this upon yourself??
Do not break up to teach them a lesson, break up to move on and start a new life. People do not change and getting back together won’t work. To make it work will require a huge amount of effort on both sides - something that many people fail to commit to long term. Quite often it is much easier to start a new relationship from the ground then try to save a rotten, terribly malfunctioning, falling apart sinking boat.
~ Their occasional talking to you does not mean they want you back
Some men - I call them ‘collectors’ - prefer to never lose touch with any of their exes. What happens is that while they are busy dating others, they will keep having you on a string making it look like there is still the ‘potential of a reunion’. If you are too naïve to believe that their monthly texts mean something then think again – it is a learned behavior and they are like this with all of their exes, NOT JUST YOU.
How do you know if this is the case? It is very simple actually: they either want you back or they don’t. Occasional texts and nothing more means they do not want more. If they wanted more they would try. They already know you want them and it is up to them now to make things happen.
Has anything progressed beyond occasional communication? No? Then you better stop hoping and responding and get on with your life. Being part of their pathetic harem won’t promote healing and won’t help you to move on.
They do not want you anymore, but they won’t let you move on either. You are their ‘security blanket’… just like the rest of their exes.
~ You cannot be friends right after a breakup
Let us assume that you CAN. To be friends you need to be on the same page in terms of feelings for each other and some sort of established way of communicating (you cannot chat like two lovers anymore, can you??).
If, for example, one of you meets someone else, which is just a matter of time and is a given, then the other party may not feel happy about the ‘news’. If you still have hidden hopes and feelings for them, the last thing you want to hear is them talking about sleeping with someone else. Hey, you are FRIENDS NOW, aren’t you supposed to feel OK?
If you are still healing then you won’t be OK. Actually, if you are still healing then having them lurking around will only prolong
your pain. The only way to heal and move on is to cut them off. Going No Contact is absolutely the best and the quickest method to get them out of your system. It is a cold turkey method, but it works like a charm.
Once you are healed, you may NOT even want to be friends with them. Who needs reminders of a pathetic past?
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - The No Contact rule - how to stay strong and I cannot stop thinking about him or if you want to feel good about your breakup instead of miserable you will love my empowering e-Book When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are you going against yourself