3 wrong assumptions about the No Contact rule
If you think that the No Contact rule is about something more than just leaving them for good and moving on then you need to read this article.
It has been my experience that some people believe that the No Contact rule was created to manipulate the other person back into a broken relationship. This is so wrong and delusional on many levels, I do not even know where to start.
First of all, if you have to resort to cutting them off to make them ‘love you and want you more’, then what does it say about you, them, and the relationship?? Those who believe that the No Contact rule is a way of ‘getting back together’ are destined to break the rule eventually (more than once!) which will undeniably result in endless make up - brake up sessions, devastating emotional roller coaster rides, broken promises, crushed hopes, and a BIG PAIN.
And second, this painful pattern will continue as long as you keep having this delusion that you have this ‘super-power’ and control over another person and are capable of changing how they behave, feel, and think.
If the stated above resonates with you, then you have probably either broken the NC rule already or about to break it. I say, stop breaking the rule or do not break it at all, stop torturing yourself and stop being in pain. Read the points below to understand WHY you need to stick to the rule regardless of what you think, believe, assume or feel.
~ If I cut them off they will realize what they have lost
‘If I cut them off they will finally realize what they have lost, and once we are back together things will finally work out’
If that was the case, then this method would become a Universal Magic Pill to cure all broken and rotten relationships. How come we never see that happening??
Cutting them off will make them realize that they lost control over you. Whatever they were using you for, cutting them off and disappearing will trigger panic and prompt them to take action to get back what they naively thought belonged to them all along. Again, it won’t be about you per se, it will be about them wanting back the lost benefits (sleeping together, attentive listener, ego massage, money, companionship, etc).
Many women mistakenly assume that their comeback (a sudden call, a text message, email, a ‘happy birthday’ wish, or any other ways of sucking up) signifies some sort of an Epiphany on their part and realization what they have lost.
They did not realize what they have lost. They are still the same person with the same behavioral patterns, the same nasty habits, the same attitude, the same needs, the same feelings towards you, and the same way of thinking. Do not assume they ‘are different now’ and things will be ‘different’. If you insist otherwise, go ahead and test this theory. You will be crushed and burned all over again.
I know it feels good to be needed. It can be especially hard to resist someone we have feelings for making attempts to weasel back into our life. We may even feel like we are finally in control and on top of the game: the more often we disappear the harder they chase, the faster we run the harder they pursue.
Unfortunately, this is as far as it can go. Disappearing, re-appearing, and chasing is not a relationship. We cannot use these methods to make them ‘love us more’ or to make them appreciate us. This is not sustainable. These kinds of things should be present between two people WITHOUT any sort of games and manipulation. If you feel like you need ‘to do something’ to ‘make them’ appreciate you or to realize what they have lost, then your relationship is in very bad shape. It is obviously a broken relationship and it deserves to be broken.
~ They will regret their behavior
‘They will regret their behavior, the mistakes they made, and will come running back to give me what I need’.
OH SURE THEY WILL.
So, what you are saying here is that in order to get a relationship you want all you need to do is to coerce them by threatening to end it. Wow! It is basically like an ultimatum - it is either this or else. AS IF it is going to make them suddenly realize what a great catch you are and come running back with proposal speech and a ring.
It does not matter what they think or what their motives are, what matters is your inability to see how pathetic this whole thing is. Look, we all want to be loved, cherished, and taken care of, and we want it all to be given to us freely and naturally. This is exactly what healthy relationships are about – no one is coercing anyone into anything and things are not forced. Squeezing love, attention, and a relationship we want from someone who refuses to give it to us freely is a very bad idea. In the end, it will never feel natural, it will never feel romantic, and it won’t be coming from their heart. It will feel fake, forced, and unnatural…. just another setup for another misery to happen once again. In other words – it won’t work.
See the situation for what it is and stick to the No Contact rule. They have already had their chance with you and failed. Do you really want to go back to SUCH a relationship?? It will be the same! – see #1.
~ They had no idea how much they hurt me or how I felt
If you truly believe that they had no freaking idea how miserable you felt, then you do not want them. Period.
Why, oh why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who is so oblivious to your emotional state??
If you think they had no idea how their behavior affected you, then it means they are either immature and /or handicapped or perhaps suffer from some sort of disorder. If this is the case, then it disqualifies them from having healthy relationships with other people.
The chances are, that they knew exactly what they were doing, and since you continued being around they continued doing it.
Your not talking to them now means you are hurt and done with their ways of treating you. You are done being hurt and the pain they were causing you is not worth breaking the No Contact rule. Simply disappear from their radar and be gone. Next time when they are back you won’t be there. There is no stronger message than this.
YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: Articles - The No Contact rule - how to stay strong and Will he be back? or if you want to feel good about your current breakup instead of miserable you will love my empowering e-Book When you are DESPERATE FOR HIS LOVE how to leave your bad relationship without feeling like you are going against yourself